It's true, breaking up is hard to do. There are so many different aspects of it that all fall somewhere short of pleasant.
For starters, you have to decide if you're actually going to follow through and break things off with that once"special someone. Dating purgatory is absolutely terrible. Going out on dates and attempting to convince yourself that the spark is still there? Saying "I love you, too" and trying to decide if you really mean it? I can't think of anything worse, and trust me, I should know -- I've been dealing with it for almost a year now. I dare you to figure out whether or not I'm kidding.
Then there's the whole issue of timing. Let's face it, there's really never a good time to break up with anyone. Maybe your girlfriend has a midterm the next morning, or you've already committed to going to her sorority's semi, or she just got you great tickets to a concert and you feel compelled to drag her along -- breakups always seem poised to add insult to injury.
Holidays and birthdays provide the epitome of badly timed relationships. Should you break up beforehand and leave her with a blue Christmas, or wait until afterward and get her a gift that, as soon as you split, causes tears on sight and is destined for the bottom of a drawer? I'm an economics major; I never fared well with these ethical dilemmas.
So when you finally decide that you're going to end your relationship in a no-doubt, today's-the-day type of way, it's almost a relief. Idealistic visions of the single life begin to float through your head as you ponder the freedom that's about to be yours. Maybe you even stumble through a maze of Facebook pages looking for the name of that hot '10 in your 2A. There's just one more hurdle to be cleared: the actual breaking up part.
Traditionally, there have been three ways to do this: face-to-face, over-the-phone and discontinuing any and all contact until your ex realizes her (or his) fate. Having been a victim of the last tactic, I can safely say it's reserved for use only for those who have no soul. The other two options, however, can both be quite stressful for the relationship-ender. Phone conversations are liable to turn into long-distance yelling matches or pity parties. And don't get me started on in-person breakups -- the last time I had one, it turned into a Lou's breakfast so bitter that no amount of real Vermont maple syrup could sweeten things up. I still had to foot the bill.
Luckily, we're no longer constrained to these traditional methods of saying, "Let's just be friends." Some time in the past five to 10 years, inventions known as "the Internet" and "the text message" have garnered such mass appeal that they can now serve as alternate forms of getting that one very special message across.
Now, there may be those who say that these new-fangled means of communication are too impersonal to be appropriate for matters of the heart. Get with the program, Grandma. If a relationship isn't official until it's on Facebook, then the reverse corollary ought to hold true as well.
Besides, breaking up with someone in a high-tech way means less pain on your end. If you're calling off a relationship, chances are you've already suffered enough. Why put yourself through any more? So, without further ado, here are three of my personal favorites. Because texting "We r over" is so much better than spending 20 minutes on the phone inching slowly toward the same point.
The Facebook Status Change
Talk about a surprise in your scorned lover's News Feed. Plus, chances are you'll manage to avoid the awkward "How's so-and-so doing?" encounters by getting the word out to friends and acquaintances.
The YouTube Video
Nothing says baller like knowing that 13,482 people have watched you move on and given it four stars.
The BCC
In a truly catastrophic relationship, nothing beats airing a laundry list of your ex's worst traits to your closest, and perhaps not-so-close, friends. This was immortalized by a man known only as Brad a few years back, and his justification for "permanent removal from [his] social calendar" made him a cult Internet celebrity.
Happy (belated) Valentine's Day. If anyone else needs a rebound, Blitz me -- chances are I'll be single by the time you read this.
