America's number-one reference aid, UrbanDictionary.com, defines leggings as "these cute things that are a 2006 revival of eighties fashion." Question: You know what can't survive a Hanover winter? Answer: Cute Things.
As an experienced New Englander (I live in South Massachusetts), I know how to make it through the winter months sans cuteness. During the winter, I don't shave or cut my hair. I bathe in dirt and syrup. I eat a strict diet of granola and snow. Most importantly, I do not wear leggings. I wear pants. Nowhere in this scholarly definition of leggings does it mention the phrase "a substitute for wearing pants." Follow me, as I hope to convince you, ladies of Dartmouth, that leggings + February = death.
I know "the ladies" like comfort. I also know you like to look good. I understand this epic struggle. But there are other, more appropriate ways to stay stylish and still be comfortable and warm.
Flared sweatpants (2008-present). You remember when jeans flared? Third grade, right? Well, with a simple alteration of the bottom of the sweatpants, you can be comfortable but also the talk of your 2A.
Blue Jeans (1951-2007). They were a clothing staple in stores across America and the world. Men and women wore them. From hip-huggers to low-rise, from bell bottoms and boot-cut to classic jeans, women once adored these now-endangered leg coverings. Great men such as Chingy, Master P, Ginuwine and Conway Twitty composed masterpieces about the wonders of women wearing jeans. So one begins to wonder: why ruin such a good thing? Are you, women of Dartmouth, taking a stand against these songs that objectify women by way of blue jeans? If so, then you win. I support leggings. But if not, I demand you pay attention to this final point:
It is the winter time. I went outside this morning and my tears froze. I was crying, not because I was sad or because it was so cold, but because three young women walked right in front of me wearing those XXXL sweaters and leggings. You know what else they were doing? Shivering. Holding on for dear life. I felt so bad and wanted to personally give one of them my pair of pants, but that would have left me in just boxers -- awkward -- and would have made the other two young ladies feel bad. These leggings are not fit for a Hanover winter.
I know you are cold, ladies. I have taken the brave step and tried on these faux-pants. Even though from the back I looked like Tyra Banks circa 1997, I did not like the man I saw in the floor length mirror. Neither did the other occupants of first floor South Mass. When I stepped outside in my, uh, my friend's leggings, XXXL sweatshirt and Pashmina scarf, I almost died. I felt naked and vulnerable. My legs went numb, and I collapsed. Maybe all Dartmouth women are stronger than me. But maybe, just maybe, I am just the only one not afraid to express how cold and uncomfortable it is to wear leggings in the winter.
I've heard the claims and been to the rallies and panel discussions, so I know how versatile leggings are. I know you can wear them on their own or with an array of skirts or dresses that cover one-eighth of the rear. Believe me, I've seen every option possible. Very cute. But I'm just worried for the lives -- and the legs -- of the women of Dartmouth.
Rembert is a writer for The Mirror. The aforementioned leggings are totally his.
