America's poet laureate Hilary Duff (Sept. 28, 1987 " Dec. 25, 2011) once said in her magnum opus, "Haters": "Haters/ Traitors to the human race/ Haters/ What a drag, what a waste/ I'd like to see them disappear/ They don't belong anywhere/ Haters, haters"
Never have words rung so true. Hate is a long-standing tradition at this school. There is a 63% yield of haters in every freshman class. Let's take a look.
Old School Hate
1740s
Haters: Eleazar Wheelock, Samson Occom
Hated On: The rest of the community
Legend has it Wheelock and Occom told the most ferocious and malicious "Yo mama is so not Christian" jokes this side of Lake Sunapee.
1887 -1892
Hater: Mother Nature
Hated On: The Lone Pine
Over a five year period, this arboreal wonder was struck by lightning and then further hated on by a huge windstorm. Before 1887, students used to get their Gandalf the Great on, smoking a big pipe under the tree. Rumor has it the BEMA was built immediately so people could sketchily smoke in mid-April.
1769-1971
Hater: Men
Hated On: Women
Women were finally granted the right to attend Dartmouth College in 1972. It truly makes no sense. Everyone knows women are smarter than men. I learned how to do subtraction the correct way three years ago. I know some females who came into fifth grade with that skill.
Modern Day Hate
2002
Hater: The Dartmouth Review
Hated On: Professors
The Dartmouth Review comes out every year with their "Dartmouth's Worst Professors" list. This is hate at its highest and most public form. They are just going to town on people who they actually might see later on that afternoon I'm not even mad... I'm impressed.
One issue actually attempts to break up a marriage: "[Lady Professor] is married to [Bro Professor], one of the finer professors in Dartmouth's [redacted] Department, and she could certainly benefit from a little advice on the art of teaching. "
Fall 2005
Hater: Video Cameras
Hated On : Rushers of the Field
Back in the olden days, before Al Gore invented the Internet and video cameras, if you rushed the field and got away, you got away. Nowadays, however, the little hate machines can get people arrested weeks after they jumped over the bleachers, darted across the tennis courts and sought refuge in the Fayerweathers. That's why no one wants to rush the field anymore. Thanks, Al.
2006-2007
Hater: Bored@Baker
Hated On: Everyone
This might go down as the most anonymously hateful era in Dartmouth's history. Bored@Baker, more than anything else illustrates how many haters are truly at this school. I have not been on Bored@Baker in over a year, but the sting of finding out seven people agreed that a good female friend of mine looked like a Gilbert Godfrey with a nose job never really goes away.
2007
Hater: The U.S. News & World Report
Hated On: Dartmouth College
You mean to tell me there are ten schools better than ours, U.S. News & World Report? That's messed up. Can anyone guess the main reasons we fell two spots from the year before? Answer: peer assessment. Why was our peer assessment so low, you ask? Answer: Haters.
I do not mean for this to sound like I'm preaching -- god knows even I hate from time to time. But it's not about us. It's about how we act. I think Ms. Duff says it best: "Talkin' 'bout exterminating
Not the haters... Just the hating."
