Listen up, freshmen: the rumors are true. You may, in fact, actually get laid in college. And if casual, inebriated encounters are what you're after, thank your lucky stars you were rejected from your first choice school. I'm kidding, of course. But don't cream your pants just yet, and I say this with tender empathy: you're still a total novice and awkward as f*ck.
And thus I asked my female friends who sleep with women what advice they had to share with the new Dartmouth freshmen, and I proudly offer you a crash course from true cuntoisseurs. I warmly invite you, the Class of 2011, to dig in...
Locale? It's all good in the hood.
Although this anecdote may break your heart, I feel it necessary to divulge that last year, a hook-up of mine actually inquired as to the whereabouts of the clitoris. F*ck, I thought while attempting to mask my horror. Which should I show him? The clit or the door? To spare the women of subsequent classes this weighty decision, I've drawn a treasure map to pinpoint the exact location of this apparently enigmatic organ, and de-mystify the vulva at large. Ready? X marks the spot!
The clitoris is that little pearl of tissue that forms the clitoral head and is covered by the protective clitoral hood. With twice the number of nerve endings as the penis and no anatomical purpose other than making women come, this is where the money's at. So put your mouth where the money is.
The labia minora (referred to as simply the labia, or 'inner lips') are full of personality. Here they are depicted trimly for the sake of clarity, but don't be thrown by the various shapes and sizes you may encounter.
The G-spot, not pictured, is a small, rough patch behind the pubic bone in the vaginal wall. It is best reached through the "come hither" motion of a finger. When stimulated, it often causes an urgent sensation of having to pee. This sensation will most likely lead to a powerful orgasm, occasionally female ejaculate, and probably not pee.
The female Spotted Hyena urinates, mates and gives birth via an enlarged, erectile clitoris known as a pseudo-penis. No, really. Just Wiki "clitoris" sometime. My head exploded when I read that. But anyway, I digress.
Put your mutherf*ckin napkin on your lap already.
Although the risk is much lower than that of intercourse, sexually transmitted infections can be spread through oral sex. Herpes, gonorrhea, HIV, (and less commonly) HPV, hepatitis B, syphilis, and chlamydia can be contracted from head.
However, I feel it necessary to concede that dental dams are not without their pitfalls. They are cumbersome, they dull sensation, and they're somewhat ridiculous, if not somewhat insulting. It's like, You want it, baby? Yeah? Right there? HOLD ON " LET ME JUST PULL OUT THIS GIANT, BANANA-FLAVORED SHEET OF LATEX TO PROTECT ME FROM YOUR [FESTERING] VAGINA.
One female explains that she "likes the dry feeling of latex against her clit, like a tease." If it's a one-night deal, then it's just plain smart. And if not, well then it's only until you and your partner drag your asses to Dick's House and get tested anyway, right?
Dental dams and condoms are available at Dick's House or in The Gay Room (Robinson Hall room 107/9), and in a pinch you can have some DIY fun with cellophane or a condom, cut length-wise.
Wet your appetite.
Vajayjay is a delicacy, so don't ambush the damned bush. The clitoris is usually too sensitive to be stimulated directly right away, so get those juices flowing first. One pal claimed that when it comes to muff-diving, "anticipation is everything." Another chimed in, "kiss her everywhere but there -- and when you do, start by licking around and inside the vagina before moving northward."
One female casually confided, "I think it's extremely important to try different things with your partner to see what they like. My girlfriend likes the tongue slow and delicate, but I like it fast and hard."
Try eating with your hands
As one friend stressed with an urgency that made me cringe (and cease further inquiry), "CUT YOUR DAMNED NAILS."
Alright, this is where the G-spot comes in. Most women can't have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation, but the G-spot generally intensifies the sensation in the clitoris, and vice-versa.
One female explained that her partner inserts two fingers into her vagina, then rubs her G-spot while sucking the clitoris -- sort of like that thing you were always trying to do in third grade, where you pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time. Only now your reputation is on the line and your neck hurts like Jesus.
I'm kidding, of course.
Still hungry?
Some women simply can't climax from lip service. Some can't without. Others have trouble reaching orgasm period. But the single best piece of advice I collected for this article is: Don't. Give. Up.
That's not to say miss your 10A; but it might not happen in five or 15 or even 45 minutes, either. Just be patient and stay focused. You could be there a while. As long as she's enjoying it, it isn't futile.
And remember that unlike a man, a woman's orgasm doesn't necessarily mean game over. Especially if it's a quick one, it may be just the warm-up round. Seconds, anyone?
If you are instead shoulder-tapped off the field, don't get emo on your lover. Coming is not always the end-all-be-all of cunnilingus. Besides, there's always next time. Chin up! It could be just a pong game away.
So I raise my glass -- er, paddle -- to the Class of 2011. May you be safe, get off, and maybe even find love along the way. Welcome to my column, and welcome to Dartmouth.
Questions, stories, tips or tricks? Blitz TheGuide.
