Now that Tubestock has tragically gone the way of the Tamagachi, CBGBs, scripted television and (shortly) Lindsay Lohan's acting career, this weekend marks the arrival of Dartmouth's undisputed Best Big Weekend. If only because of the weather, Green Key clearly beats out Homecoming and Winter Carnival for the title. Drinking outside during the daytime is wayyyy more fun than waiting for nightfall (or at least afternoon) to drink inside, and not having to wear five layers while traipsing from party to party makes Greenkizzle clearly superior (and no, that lameass Fieldstock BS doesn't count).
I also enjoy the fact that Green Key lacks any recognizable purpose beyond reminding us that it's no coincidence that the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous was a Dartmouth alumnus. (Not that we, like, needed reminding! OMG! Self-call!!!) After extensive research, (i.e. Tri-delt blitzlist abuse), I discovered that Green Key has not always been merely a tribute to Robert Smith, class of 1902, but rather evolved from a pretty boring-sounding ceremony where seniors would pass on the key to the Green to the junior class. How Gramercy Park.
Since we don't do that anymore I propose we think of some sort of replacement or at least some large object to sit in the middle of the Green on the Best Annual Weekend. If the discount versions of Green Key that are Homecoming and Winter Carnival get a massive bonfire and a snow sculpture, surely we deserve some kind of monument or ceremony to mark the occasion of this momentous weekend. My first instinct was to ask Keggy if he'd be willing to stand atop a milk crate pretending to be a statue, and then scare the crap out of people when they walk by, the way those weird tin-man performance-art guys do to get change from stupid tourists in big cities. Then I realized that there is a far more logical tradition that should heretofore become an integral part, nay the cornerstone, of the Green Key experience. This tradition, long a part of Dartmouth's rich history and folklore, lends itself so easily to Green Key festivities that I'm amazed it has not become an unofficial requirement of a proper ragetastic Green Key weekend. The tradition I speak of is the completion of the Dartmouth Seven.
In case you live under a rock, completion of the Dartmouth Seven involves having sex in seven specific locations around campus. However, there seems to be some controversy over what The Seven actually are. The stacks, the BEMA, the President's lawn, the 50-yard line, and the center of the Green have pretty much undisputed spots on the list. However, there is some disagreement about the final two locations. Also rumored to be included on the list of Dartmouth's most roman[ero]tic spots are the graveyard, the Top of the Hop, the golf course, the steps of Dartmouth Hall, the steps of Parkhurst, and beneath the graduation stage. Two hooligans (hi Feinberg) launched a meager campaign to have the Connecticut river added during 05X but it seems their efforts were thwarted. Even the Facebook group "Do the Dartmouth Seven" indicates that a clear consensus has yet to be reached. By the powers vested in me by the shmuck who first asked me to start writing the sex column (hi Kelsey), I now present you with the definitive Dartmouth Seven list, complete with a logistical guide to gettin 'er done this Green Key weekend.
1.The center of the Green: Due to high traffic and constant Safety and Security surveillance this one can be pretty tricky. Ideal time is after 4 a.m. but before sunrise. Be sure to bring a sign for the enjoyment of the three people watching the Baker Tower cam.
2.The Stacks: This one is pretty easy at any time but particularly during Green Key since no one in their right mind is in the library. Go in the middle of the day on Saturday and don't even bother trying to be quiet.
3.The BEMA: After having a couple drinks at the AD lawn party, cruise over to your intended partner and tell him /her you're feeling a littleclaustrophobic. If he/she has any sense, they'll suggest you two take a small partying hiatus at the Big Empty Meeting Area just up the hill. Beware of onlookers from the Robert Frost statue above.
4.The President's lawn: Conveniently located at the end of Webster Ave., take a quick break from any of the frat row dance parties and pretend like you're being really rebellious and sticking it to the man. But stick it quickly because Safety and Security rolls around pretty frequently.
5.The 50-yard line: This used to be a no-brainer but I hear that since the football field's renovation they've started locking the perimeter. Daytime's pretty impossible so go after nightfall and scale the fence for uninterrupted bliss under the stars.
6.Steps of Dartmouth Hall: Another tough one. Highly populated during the day and lit with flood lights during the evening, Dartmouth Hall is one of the most challenging of the Seven. Come right before sunrise after the floodlights have been shut off but before it's full on daylight. You may need to bring some kind of blanket and a garbled explanation to avoid confrontation from any early risers.
7.Top of the Hop: The Hop is open late for all those studio art majors slaving away. Stop in on your walk home for a late-night cultural experience.
The graveyard, golf course, river and Parkhurst are extra credit. T - 23 days 'till graduation. Go get 'em.
