I'll start this article with a campus food tidbit. I had a biscuit this morning from FoCo. It was supposed to be eaten with a slop-like combination of chicken and what was simply referred to as "sauce" on the description of ingredients. I decided to forgo the slop and eat the biscuit on its own. It was good. It was okay. It was no KFC biscuit nor was it even as good as the ones from the can that my mom makes. But it satisfied to a point. That point was when the roof of my mouth was suddenly coated in an uncomfortable film. I had to throw it away. What a waste of empty calories. And that's all I have to say about that.
Easter's coming up. Finally all of you good Christians can eat chocolate or smoke or swear again. Now, we all know what a commercially-driven holiday Easter has become, so I propose we go back to the pure days before the plastic eggs and the claymation. No, I'm not talking about the ham and the cabbage and the sacramental wine or Mass. I'm talking about the real Easter: the pagan one. Of course it wasn't known as Easter back then; it was Eostar, Eostre, Ostara, Ostra, Alban Ellir, the Festival of Trees, Lady Day, etc. So how should you go about celebrating the real Easter on a Dartmouth budget in as non-pagan a place as Hanover? Luckily for you, that's what this article is about.
Start with a sunrise salutation, a welcoming of the sun god, which represents the long Hanover winter ending and girls starting to wear those micro minis (they're back in style, btw, along with shoulder pads) without leggings. So wake up on Sunday at 6:19 a.m. and welcome the sun! Sounds early, I know, but let's be real, you're probably still drunk at that point any way. The hangover won't hit until at least 10 a.m.
When you do get over -- or at least learn to live with -- the headache, nausea or however Saturday night decides to manifest itself in you Sunday morning, why not sacrifice yourself an ox? Or rather why not sacrifice an ox in an offering to Eostre, the Saxon fertility goddess? I searched online and couldn't find anyone willing to sell me an ox, but I did find ox bile and ox gallstones on auction. I have a feeling Eostre wouldn't be quite as impressed, so instead you could just make some hot cross buns, whose markings represent that of the horns of the ox being carved on the ritual bread. Plus bun originates from "boun" or "sacred ox." Neat, huh? If you don't have any of the canned biscuit dough then an English muffin with some frosting (in the "Birthday" section of Topside) on top will do.
As far as the rabbit goes, I can't say I've seen many of those hopping around campus. On the other hand, I have seen squirrels and they're a close relative, I think. The hare is a symbol of the Norse goddess Ostara. They represent fertility. Hence the phrase alluding to the frisky activities of bunnies. I suggest trapping and dining on a squirrel after braising it in some white wine, probably Carlo Rossi or Franzia if Dartmouth has anything to say about it. The egg is another symbol of Ostara and fertility. It is also an item sold at Topside, a little known fact. Guess what? You don't have to stop dying your eggs! Yep, even the pagans colored their eggs in bright colors to represent the sunlight and blooming plant life of spring. As far as dyes go I would suggest using coffee, Carlo Rossi, scrapings off the walls of AD and wax from the candles you aren't supposed to own.
As for the table decorations, it's gotta be Easter lilies. I would suggest calling the Co-op a few weeks in advance and getting them shipped in or going on a fairly extensive quest through Florida. Why such a flower? Let's think, everything else in this holiday seems to have something to do with sex, I'm going to go ahead and put forth a guess that this flower does too. What do you know, I'm right. The Easter lily was revered by the pagans as a holy symbol representing the reproductive organs. It was considered a fairly phallic symbol. You have to love the pagans.
And how should you end this joyous holiday? Well, if we follow along in the logic we used with the lilies you should probably be reproducing. I have a feeling I'm not supposed to endorse things like that so here's another option: Light a bonfire, let it burn out and then jump over the dying embers so as to assure the fertility of your people and your crops. Now that I think about it, I'm probably not supposed to endorse arson either. Fine, just go watch some claymation about Mr. Cottontail saving the day again and eat some cream-filled eggs, but at least do it with a date.
