I spent much of Monday night perched atop a cozy basement bench passively observing the scene before me. The events I witnessed seemed more apropos to a wilderness safari than the amicable gathering of collegiate sophisticates in which I found myself. I refer specifically to an intricate and bizarre mating dance that I watched transpire between several different "couples." By couples, I mean two people that had clearly made out/hooked up before and were now encountering each other again. While each scenario went down a bit differently, the basic trajectory was as follows:
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Boy/girl 1 comes downstairs to the basement and surveys the scene.
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Boy/girl 1 notices Boy/girl 2 talking to his/her friends.
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Boy/girl 1 pretends not to notice Boy/girl 2.
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Boy/girl 2 spies Boy/girl 1 from the corner of his/her eye, but also pretends not to.
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Boy/girl 1 saunters over to the bar and grabs a brewski.
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Boy/girl 1 covertly glances in boy/girl 2's direction, silently assessing whether he/she is talking to someone with flatter abs/bouncier hair/generally more impressive game than him/her.
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Boy/girl 1 talks to friends and every present rando they have ever encountered, including that one kid that returned their ID that one time, except boy/girl 2 and his/her immediate circle in which he/she is doing the same thing. Both exaggerate their laughter in hopes of appearing to be having a grand old time and not secretly thinking about whether other is secretly thinking about them.
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Approximately one hour and decidedly more beers pass. During this interval, Boy/girl 1 and 2 continue to steal glances at each other but do not actually acknowledge each other's existence.
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Having at this point imbibed enough liquid courage to adopt some excuse to cross directly in the path of Boy/girl 1, Boy/girl 2 sets down half-full (I'm feeling optimistic today) drink, and goes over to the bar to get a new one.
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Boy/girl 1 and 2 "accidentally" brush against each other in the midst of their farcical pursuit for libations, simultaneously exclaiming "Oh, hey! How's it going?" with feigned surprise at the other's presence.
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Chit-chat ensues and they either disappear upstairs together or find some way to disengage from the conversation and are henceforth really awkward around each other until they make out again or graduation, whichever comes first.
Charming. Yeah, not really. It's pretty retarded that we're all approximately 20 years old and somewhat intelligent and we still can't deal with ourselves enough to acknowledge the existence of someone we like in public without the passage of unhealthy amounts of time and/and alcohol. Dartmouth is like Jekyll and Hyde. We're all super nice and kinda normal (or at least delightfully quirky) during daylight hours but then as soon as night falls, we become bumbling idiots who are so crippled by the fear of seeming over-eager that we prefer to ignore each other and be rude.
Well kids, I've got news. Saying hello to someone does not mean that you have been in West Leb all afternoon shopping for engagement rings. Having a meal with someone you have made out/slept with does not mean you two are going to contract on a charming center hall colonial on Long Island together. Yet, from our behavior in these matters, one would think it did. As one female survey respondent says, "during the periods in which I'm single, I frequently hook up, sometimes with my male acquaintances and sometimes with random guys, but never eat meals with them. The Thurs/Sat/Sunday morning breakfast in Foco/the Hop/Bagel Basement screams WE HOOKED UP, which is way too embarrassing unless it's a steady guy."
So why are we all embarrassed of each other? My hunch would be that it's because we don't know each other all that well. It can be hard to get to know people when a staggering proportion of the casual socializing occurring on campus happens under the influence. It is for precisely this reason that people shouldn't be afraid to grab a post-coital (or post-cuddle if that's more your speed) bite together. You might discover that this chick/dude's talents extend beyond their track-star endurance/lingual acrobatics/freak show flexibility, and they're actually kind of interesting (most people at Dartmouth are interesting). If you do decide to join the breakfast club, I promise no one will come up to you in bagel basement bearing plastic houseplants. And, if they do, free houseplants!!!
Respondents were instructed to interpret the phrase "hook up" to mean "engage in the highest level of sexual activity which you have experienced to date."
-Twenty-four percent of males and 22 percent of females consider all of the people they have hooked up with to be their friends. Ten and five percent of males and females respectively consider none of the people they have hooked up with to be their friends.
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Of Dartmouth males surveyed, 28 percent still talk to everyone they have hooked up with. Twenty-nine percent do not speak to 1-25 percent of the people they have hooked up with. Of the females, 26 percent still talk to everyone they have hooked up with. Thirty-one percent do not speak to 1-25 percent of the people they have hooked up with.
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Eighteen percent of males and 16 percent of females never eat breakfast with their partners in the event that they sleep over in the same room. Twenty-one percent of males and 20 percent of females report eating together sometimes.
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Five and four percent of males and females respectively have never had a sober meal with a person with whom they have hooked up. Thirty-seven percent of males and 35 percent of females have had a sober meal with every person with whom they have hooked up.
-Thirty-five percent of both males and females report that they generally know the people they hook up with "moderately well." Nine percent of males and 11 percent of females report knowing their partners "not well."
- Eighty-five percent of males and 82 percent of females have or would hook up with someone with whom they were not in a committed relationship.
Total number of respondents: 600
