Earlier today I was talking to one of my roommates. She told me she was really interested in the results of this week's survey because, having dated her high school sweetheart all through college, she has no idea about the customs and conventions of the Dartmouth hook up.
"Having no experiences of my own here, I figured it was all sex and blowjobs. You know, college: Woo Hoo! Get laid!" she told me. "But a lot of my friends tell me they just make out with people, so I don't really get it." So, which one is it? Are we all lascivious basement-hounds just looking to get laid or prudes seeking polite pecks? Is there a middle ground somewhere? The survey commentary from this week indicates that there seems to be an "all or nothing" dynamic going on.
In the midst of Dartmouth's hook up culture, I have many times found myself in a bit of a dilemma. Maybe you can relate, and even if you can't maybe you'll find it interesting anyway. It usually goes something like this: Meet boy. Play pong. Make out. Repeat previous two steps. Repeat previous two steps again (and maybe one more time if he's patient). At this point the situation gets a bit stickier. You and dude X are getting chummy, and all this making out stuff is super fun, but you're getting that itching feeling that you might want to move on to slightly more risque activities. But what? You could sleep with him, but you don't want to be a slore because your bedpost is already whittled to a toothpick from all the notches, or because you hear gonorrhea isn't fun or maybe you're a virgin and don't do that. As somebody in some nondescript chick flick said, "Nobody's gonna want to buy the whole freaking ice cream truck if you're giving out the popsicles for free." So, whatever your reasons, you decide to hold off on sex.
Well, then there's oral sex. Even though the vast majority of survey respondents "do not consider 'oral sex' to be 'sex,'" it's still a big deal. According to one survey respondent, "Oral sex is treated with a lot less gravity than intercourse, which is sort of strange considering most people frequently use condoms during intercourse but NEVER use one during oral sex (or a dental dam)." Oral sex is more complicated than regular sex.
There are weird power dynamics involved because the act centers on one partner's pleasure at a time, and it's not generally thought of as a mutually pleasurable experience. Oy vey, power dynamics. This is complicated. You don't really want to get into that, so you decide no blow job. And handjobs? Those are so middle school (or high school, depending on the sexual sophistication of your peer group/community growing up). Besides, he could probably do it better himself.
But wait, what if he wants to go down on you? Maybe you'd be okay with that, but then you've already decided that you're not into reciprocating but you don't think that's very fair, so do you just not let him at all? As one female respondent said, "I feel really guilty when I get oral sex but do not reciprocate. In fact, I don't think that's something that ever happens. I feel that usually, guys receive, and are considered really "nice" if they reciprocate, and people don't think anything of them, badly or well, if they choose not to return the favor. For a girl, if a guy goes down on her and she doesn't return the favor, she's a bitch. I'm not sure why this is."
Many comments indicated that greater weight is given to the performance of oral sex on a woman. As one male commentator responds, "I'd say if I performed [oral sex] on her, that would be sex. (I most likely couldn't see myself performing oral sex on a female if I hadn't had sex with her first), although I wouldn't equate receiving a blowjob with sex."
The reasons for why this is the case are a whole other discussion, but there seems to be a clear distinction in people's attitudes about oral sex depending on if the act is performed on a man or a woman.
These issues are further complicated when homosexuality is considered. As one lesbian respondent puts it, "While sexual intercourse is perhaps typically defined as between a man and a woman, I believe I have sexual intercourse quite frequently, sans the male. While many gay women define sex between two women differently, I consider sexual intercourse to be any kind of vaginal penetration (whether it be with a tongue, finger[s], or a dildo.) So I cannot separate oral sex from sexual intercourse, because for me they are the same physical act."
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When "hooking up" with a partner for the first time, 24 percent of males but only 10 percent of females usually engage in oral sex. Six and eight percent of females and males respectively report they usually engage in sexual intercourse.
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When "hooking up" with a partner after several times, 56 percent of females and 68 percent of males usually engage in oral sex. Thirty-six percent of females and 56 percent of males report they usually engage in sexual intercourse.
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Seventy percent of females and 81 percent of males believe that sexual intercourse is more intimate than oral sex. Sixteen percent of females and 14 percent of males believe that intercourse and oral sex are equally intimate.
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Sixty-six percent of females and 70 percent of males feel guilty if they receive manual or oral stimulation from their partners and do not reciprocate.
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Eighty-eight percent of females and 86 percent of males do not consider oral sex to be "sex."
