On this campus there are few things we have a lot of: snow, people willing to rally against pretty much anything and Keystone. The only edible thing you can make with snow is that maple candy stuff that they make in Little House on the Prairie, and the law prevents me from making anything with protestors. So Keystone it is. I found some recipes on the Internet calling for beer as an ingredient: sausages braised in beer with apples and onions, beer nachos, beer and beef stew and pomegranate beer tails. Because we are in Hanover and I have pledged to only cook with DBA-attainable food, the recipes had to be altered. It was a terrifying experience, and I did it all for you, dear readers.
First up was shopping. I hit up Topside and bought chips (the light kind because I'm a girl), salsa (the kind that isn't Tostitos), a pack of sliced sharp cheddar, a can of vegetarian refried beans (the regular kind had some sort of meat product in it made me nervous), Vienna Sausages (more on that choice later), beef stew, a pomegranate Izze and a Rescue vitamin water (I had a feeling after trying all that processed food and Keystone I would need to be rescued). From Collis I picked up some oregano, an apple and onions. I added some broccoli and cucumbers to the onions because I didn't want the guy ringing me up to think I was weird.
Then it was down into the depths of the Sigma Delta kitchen, which is a feat in itself. It isn't so much a kitchen as it is basement room with a few heating devices and knives. I started with the sausage because it scared me the most. I heated a can and a half of Keystone, the onions and the peeled and sliced apple in a pan and brought it to a simmer. Then I confronted the small can of Vienna Sausage. First I had to drain it -- I hope I never have to see fake meat juice again -- and then I had to get the sausage out. This was a bit of a battle. The sausages had gotten quite comfortable in their can over the years they had probably been sitting on the shelf. When I had won I added the sausages into the mix, heated them for about five minutes, then drained the mixture into another pot and grilled the sausages alone. I tried to get a crispy skin but it didn't work out.
I put them on a plate and, with a slotted spoon, added the onion and apple mixture. Then I tried it. I didn't subject anyone but myself to these trials. I'm trying to keep my friends. This was the worst thing I've ever eaten. The sausage has a smooth texture in the most terrible way, and the Keystone, I discovered, does not lose its touch of dirt flavor when cooked. I held back vomiting, wondered why I was putting myself through this and continued.
I quickly moved on to the beer beef stew, a simple concoction that calls for mixing a small can of beef stew, a quarter can of Keystone and a touch of flour in a pot. You know how the Irish make beef and Guinness stew? That what I was going for. I got The most bland thing I've ever eaten. I'm not sure if the stew just wasn't good to begin with or if Keystone has the power to cancel out flavor. Whatever the case may be, it wasn't good and I wouldn't suggest doing it. Unless you are a big fan of bland food -- maybe you're British or something (zing!).
During the boiling of the "stew" I made myself a beer-tail. I poured a cold Keystone and added a dash of Izze. It tasted like Keystone. I added more. It tasted okay. I think a bit of lime would have kicked it into enjoyable, but it did the trick. It was a lovely 3 p.m. cocktail to sip while cooking in a basement.
After tossing out the stew I soldiered on and started the beer nachos. In a deep pan I poured half a cup of Keystone and tossed in the oregano with some chili powder I found around. When it came to a simmer I added the can of beans and half a cup of salsa, stirred until the mixture was thoroughly warm, then put in the cheese. I was a bit nervous about using just straight cheddar, but it melted evenly, and the end product looked strikingly similar to smooth vomit. I poured it in a bowl and tried it with my reduced calorie chip. It was good! I mean, not like gourmet good, but it was decent enough to eat multiple bites of and would be great for a Super Bowl party. At least one end product came out decent. And I'm not dead or sick. Yet. Check back with me in a few hours.
What did we learn from this experience? Keystone is a bad beer, cold or cooked, but it's cheap and it's here so I won't complain. I'll leave you with a question to ponder throughout the weekend: why does Topside stock Vienna Sausages? Discuss.
