The number of phrases referring to sexual intercourse in the English language is somewhere in the ballpark of a million-bagillion. Many are euphemisms. Example: Making love. This commonly-used expression is a slightly more gentile turn of phrase than, say, "parking the beef bus in tuna town." (Gross.) Many sexual euphemisms don't really make any sense. Example: Hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing. Others kind of make sense but are still pretty weird. Examples: The horizontal hustle/polka/mambo. Schtupping. Plugging the hole. Taming the one-eyed snake. The old in 'n out. Porking. Bonking. Boinking. Banging. Boffing. Watering the garden. Playing cars and garages. The list goes on. Forever.
Somebody smart said that the number of phrases a culture has in its lexicon to refer to a subject is indicative of the importance of that subject to the culture. Therefore, the abundance of linguistic variations of all things sexual means sex is important in our society. In my ninth-grade health class I learned that sex is normal and healthy. Lots of people have sex. You might have it. Your parents had it. (Btw, there's no Santa Claus and that time you met the Easter bunny, it was just your pervy uncle in a rabbit suit.) But even though sex is clearly a fact of life, it's still kind of awkward to talk about it, at least beyond your circle of close friends. I get that we're in New England and everything and so there's that whole Puritan legacy deal going on, but that was a really long time ago so I don't really buy it as the reason why people are so reluctant when it comes to publicly talking about sex. And if nobody wants to talk about it, how the hell are you supposed to know what you're doing? You can listen to your three friends and their opinions, but really, you have no way of knowing that they're actually the stallions/goddesses they purport to be. Without an open dialogue, it's pretty likely that you're going to have some awkward sexual moments, because you're just not quite sure if that was a good scream or a bad scream, or if they really only do that in movies. So, it seems we've got a bit of a pickle here. But maybe we can do something about it.
I've never really considered myself an activist, "do-gooder" type. My primary community service endeavors involve buying copies of "Atlas Shrugged" for everyone I know, and allowing five lucky users per day to share in my very awesome and very comprehensive iTunes library. Thus, when I was approached about writing a sex column for the Mirror, I recognized the opportunity to positively and powerfully impact the Dartmouth community, and single-handedly improve the sex lives of all of my readers.
You: But Abi, how do you presume to do that? You have too much work this term to sleep with the entire student body.
Me: Yes, that is true. That's not really what I had in mind.
You: Well, I don't suppose you mean to hand out sexual advice like you actually know what you're talking about?
Me: No, good reader. Fear not. I promise not to dispense advice, as you and I are probably equally clueless. (If you want sex advice, you should watch "Talk Sex with Sue Johanson." She's like 90, but she knows what's up.)
You: Well, if you're not going to give advice, then how do you propose to make an impact?
Me: I'm glad you asked. Basically, my plan is to take a bimonthly poll of the student body about their sexual attitudes and behaviors on a given topic.
You: Wow! That sounds like a great idea. Now I won't have to sleep with one eye open every time my roommate brings home a smokin' dude/dudette just to ascertain if I am sexually deviant or not!
Me: Precisely!
You: Gee! This is exciting! Is there anything I can do to help?
Me: Why yes! You can answer the poll. It will be sent out via BlitzMail every other week. It will be very short and all of your responses will be completely confidential.
You: Yippee! I'll be monitoring my Blitzmail. Toodles!
