So you think you can f*ck? Well, you might be right. This week, the Mirror polled Dartmouth students about their levels of sexual satisfaction. A little over half of 700 survey respondents reported that they were "satisfied" or "very satisfied." (Keep up the good work.) Only six percent of respondents report feeling "very unsatisfied," while the rest of the respondents were split between feeling "unsatisfied" and "neutral." This data is pretty interesting in light of the fact that a whopping 40 percent of students have never orgasmed during sexual intercourse -- and almost 100 students reported never having had an orgasm at all.
One male respondent writes, "I mean, honestly. I think orgasm is a non-issue with males." I have a sneaking suspicion that he's right. The vast majority of those who indicated they're missing out on the "Big O" are probably women. According to one female respondent, "I find it frustrating that I can't have an orgasm during intercourse. I love the idea of the animalistic, effortless simultaneous ecstasy, and feel like that's expected. It's just not fair. I mean, all it takes is about 90 seconds of finger tip or tongue tip clitoral stimulation, but it just doesn't happen with intercourse alone. If only my clit were inside my vagina instead of an inch north."
So how is it that the majority of students are so satisfied when 12 percent of them have never gotten off and 40 percent are missing the grand finale? (Or alternatively are virgins and have never even been to the show)?
Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that 30 percent of students prioritize their partner's pleasure over their own. Initially, I thought these people were total freaks, but after reading the following comment, I suppose I can see where they're coming from. "Pleasing the partner is the FIRST priority. It is an investment. Sex follows the simple principles of economics. When customers find an excellent deal, they are very likely to come back for future purchases, and to even tell their friends about it. Sex is all about closing the sale, no one passes on a good product." Dude should have gone to Wharton. Maybe it's because not all of us are econ majors, but 60 percent of students say they are equally concerned with their partner's and their own pleasure, and the remaining 10 percent state that they are concerned most with their own pleasure.
Another surprising tidbit that I picked up on my first foray into (not-that-) scientific research is that 45 percent of Dartmouth students report being in a monogamous relationship. Forty-five per-cent. Now, I know you've been told since before your DOC trip days that nobody dates at Dartmouth, so your probably thinking, "Wtf? Why has everybody been lying to me all along? Treacherous D-bags." I feel your pain, but shelve your conspiracy theory for a moment and consider an alternative possibility. Maybe we've all just been lying to ourselves. The perpetuation of this Dartmyth (giggle giggle) actually kind of makes sense for some factions of the population. (Advanced apologies for the ensuing gender stereotyping and hetero-normativity, but I am talking about Dartmouth, so it's pretty much unavoidable.) If everyone is under the impression that nobody dates at Dartmouth, girls who want boyfriends but can't get one can tell themselves its not really their fault, and guys who want to have sex with as many people as possible aren't put under pressure to make an honest woman out of their f*ck-buddies/three-keystone whores by making her their (gasp) girlfriend. It is just a theory, but in my experience I have come across a lot of girls who want boyfriends but can't find one and a lot of dudes who want to sleep with anything with a vagina.
Of the respondents who indicated in their commentary that they were homosexual, almost all of them expressed discontent with the gay sex scene on campus, feeling that there is a dearth of possible sexual partners within the gay community. I also received plentiful disgruntled commentary from virgins who were angry that the survey questions assumed that they were sexually active. My apologies, but given that the survey topic was sexual satisfaction, it is difficult to phrase questions in a way that is inclusive of all levels of experience. But don't worry my undefiled friends, next week's survey is about promiscuity and quantity of sexual activity, so you'll have ample opportunity to declare your chastity.
