If you're going to get kicked out of school, why not do it the classy way? With only a trip to Topside, Collis and a few bottles of Andre, you can come up with the recipe for a highly illegal cocktail party. I tried it out this past weekend the legal way, though, for well, legal purposes. But I'll let you in on the little extras that can push your party into the Parkhurst zone.
First up is the invites. I invited a few friends over 21, but the Parkhurst Party would involve inviting only the underage and reckless. Make sure you blitz out the invite with the subject line: Booze, Weed and Cocaine in 103 Wheeler, or something to that effect. This will give Safety and Security, and possibly even H-Po, a heads up. Then it's time to prepare. The stock at Topside is constantly changing, so it's impossible to enter that store with a list of ingredients or sometimes even general dishes in mind. I went into Topside with nothing but my ID, a basket and my sous chef for the evening, who really was just tagging along because she needed some beef jerky and a water. I bought a loaf of sourdough bread, thinking of the paninis, a container of smoked turkey, sharp jack cheese (Cabot of course), relish (which in retrospect could have been omitted, since it's easier and more cost effective to buy it from Collis), plain microwave popcorn (loose kernels would have been better), Triscuits, two cans of tuna (only one was used), garlic salt, apricot juice and a vitamin water because I was thirsty.
Then it was on to Collis for some raw ingredients such as: a salad bowl with oil, vinegar and Tyme, another bowl of mushrooms, peppers and zucchini for the grilled vegetables, another bowl of onions, olives and peppers for the tuna, some spices for the popcorn and a small container of olive oil for general cooking purposes.
Gee that's a lot of stuff, I hear you thinking. How did you ever carry it all? With effort. It hurt. And I wasn't even done yet. From there it was on to Stinson's. If you are really looking for a quick way to get kicked out this is where you just take the bottles of Andre and run. But if you are still willing to go out classy, then obtain them by other means. I won't spell it out for you, but I will tell you it involves a highly technical system of levers, pulleys and a very angry juvenile raccoon.
Now it was time to start preparing the food. I started about two hours ahead of time by mixing together the tuna, vegetables and vinaigrette. I should note that I borrowed a George Foreman Grill from a friend to facilitate some of the food preparation. While this appliance in itself is illegal to operate within the dorms, if you are really going for broke with this get-kicked-out-of-school thing then maybe make use of that ever-dormant fireplace in your dorm room, and light up that unopened film course reader as kindling.
With about half an hour to go I cut the bread into "squares" -- or shapes as close to squares as I could get them with a plastic knife from Collis -- and grilled the crusts to make breadsticks after brushing them with olive oil and sprinkling them with garlic salt. I grilled the paninis after layering them with cheese, turkey, mustard and relish. I put everything out on the small area of desk that wasn't cluttered and waited for people to arrive. If you're going the Parkhurst Party route, this would be the time when you would sprinkle the tuna salad (a recipe, by the way, inspired by Rachael Ray) with marijuana and set out lines of cocaine on your mirror-topped coffee table. When your guests arrive, pour them some cocktails: a small amount of apricot juice topped off with Andre (just the regular champagne, no Cold Duck). Then begin to make sparkling conversation about the local weather or, if this is the danger party, discuss loudly out the window how drunk you are, how cocaine is awesome, and how much that Jesus guy sucks. If you're going all the way then go ahead and invite the esteemed James Wright and the fine officers of Safety and Security. Make sure your guests are wearing their drivers' licenses on their naked bodies.
So how'd it turn out? The popcorn was over-salted, the cheese was inelegantly sliced (thanks, flimsy Collis knife!), and the attendees were divided on the relish in the panini sauce (overpowering, but in a good way though, according to some guests). But, the cocktail was a big hit, the tuna salad was enjoyed by most (except the one insanely allergic guest), and since this party was a Dartmouth party, most of the food (good or not) disappeared. It was a good time, but if marijuana, cocaine and a little nudity had been added to the mix, it would have been the party of the the week (at least!) and I, along with most of my guests, would have gone out in style, leaving Dartmouth with the knowledge of a job well done and a meaty paragraph in the police blotter.
