Dear Freshmen,
What's your name? Where are you from? Where do you live?
Okay, now that we have that out of the way, how's it really going? I'm too busy counting the days leading up to Homecoming, while giving myself paper-cuts due to an overwhelming amount of job applications. But, all personal crises concerning impending doom and poverty aside, I'm actually rather giddy about the upcoming weekend. You see, this weekend is Homecoming. And that means the campus will be over-run with chafey alumni who will drink your booze, pass out on your toilets and cry in the corners of countless basements. They will drown your youthful innocence in stories of their 120-hour work weeks and tales about that one time when they hung out really hard and really late. They will compare you to that one dude who was way ragier than you'll ever be and did that thing that was so cool and ridiculous.
Needless to say, it's an exciting time. An exciting time that provides you with the opportunity to finally be initiated into the ranks of all those great Dartmouth men and women who have come before you. But more than that, it is an opportunity for you to make your mark, grab the spotlight and assert your class's presence with authority. You're probably aware of the standard traditions concerning this weekend (read: prison, vomit, girls with glitter and facepaint), but I'm here to urge you to make an effort to turn the mundane into the surreal. As a guideline, I have attached a list of the few ways you may be able to accomplish this.
Lick the fire: Lots of over-eager sophomores and upperclassmen with self-esteem issues will forcibly encourage you to touch the bonfire as you run around it, like pigs to the slaughter. My thoughts on the tradition? Thoroughly B-Side. I don't know, it just seems like something Harvard would do: an act that's sort of vaguely dangerous and really just pays lip service to the idea of fun. It's the "Keg-O-Zima" of Dartmouth hazery. So I say you kick it up a notch and get a big tongueful of the good stuff. Chances are that the 350 Hanover Police officers on hand will be too occupied with sweating beneath their riot gear and trying to look important to pay attention to you, providing the perfect opportunity to get up close and really get a taste of tradition. Added bonus: The gallon and a half of Bacardi 151 that you slam before heading to the Green should provide some nice fuel for turning you guys from a mob of awkward hormone-machines into an army of fire-breathing devil-children.
Rush Parkhurst: You're going to hear a lot of talk this week about rushing the field after the football team loses to Holy Cross. Each year one or a few kids who are looking for approval from The Dartmouth Review step up and inexplicably get themselves arrested for no reason other than the amusement of the upperclassmen. It is stupid, and more than that, it is inefficient. I think that if you're going to get arrested for causing a disturbance you try and hit the college where it hurts, in the figurative nutsack of the administration: Parkhurst. Roll 800 deep and when the final whistle blows, plow across the green and up into Parkhurst. Impending academic probation? Not any more; just use your newly forged fire-breathing capabilities to set a torch to your permanent record. Note: in my mind this movement should look like it does when a bunch of ants swarm onto a picnic in a cartoon and devour the watermelon from the unsuspecting hands of the guy who was about to bite into it. President Jim Wright is that guy, so don't mess up.
The Circuit: A lesser-institutionalized tradition that many students take part in on the big weekends is something called, "doing a circuit," during which a group makes their way around campus slamming a beer at all 13 fraternities. (Sorry Sig Ep. You guys don't count any more). While I am a stout supporter of the circuit, I believe we've been thinking about it on a smaller scale than is perhaps necessary. Why just beer? It seems so impersonal to me. I propose that each house advertise that which makes it unique. Stopping at AD? It's time to whip out your swimming goggles and do a "completely heterosexual" naked lap in the basement mung. Swinging over to TDX? Flex in the mirror for a bit, watch The Program, then get Hepatitis. Finishing up at SAE? Just be a douche! To be honest I think this is just scratching the surface. E-mail me any other propositions you have along these lines at Rob.Esposito@darfur.edu.
On a serious note, I really do urge you to live this Homecoming up to its fullest extent. I know that midterms are right around the corner and you're still trying to kick your orientation hangover, but this weekend will truly end up a cornerstone in your collective memory of Dartmouth, and you owe it to yourself to make that cornerstone as hazy and guilt-ridden as possible. So Class of 2010, I drink to you this weekend. Make me proud.
