Life is hard. Lists are easy. Oversimplification is not only fun, but fashionable. (What's your Google rank?) With that, I present the first edition of Dartmouth Listed.
Before Red Bull and Adderall, there was coffee. Coffee runs through this campus like blood though your bloodstream, where it also runs after being absorbed through your stomach. Recently, coffee was scientifically proven to help prevent cirrhosis -- seriously! So drink up. Today's list analyzes the message sent by the label on your cup of coffee. Superficial? Absolutely. You may judge me if you pass the following free-association test: Kappa. Theta. You fail.
DDS (Food Court, The Hop, Novack)
Common, convenient, undistinguished; the proletariat's choice. Indicates a busy schedule and an abject fear of individuality. When not consuming coffee, these students populate the Theta Delt basement, Programming Board, and, later, the rarefied and soulless offices of Banker, Banker, and Moneybags. Keep drinking, drone, but even that Novack free-coffee card can't fill your dead and empty insides. Unless you eat it.
Starbucks (Collis, Dartmouth Bookstore)
One part mystery, two parts indictment of taste. The student holding this cup projects on-campus/off-campus ambiguity, but his thoughtless corporate endorsement is as embarrassing as his attachment to his North Face.
Rosey Jekes
Obscure, but an excellent choice.
Dirt Cowboy
Two possibilities. First: authentic bourgeoisie. This student knows enough to wear Marmot, and his family actually has the house on Nantucket that North-Face-boy so desperately wants. This variety of Dirt Cowboy patron frequently considers transferring to Columbia, and, if he is an '09, is currently tortured by an insurmountable attraction to SAE. The second possibility: the student is that rare member of the DOC/Ultimate fraternity who has transcended Collis. Like a penguin in an elevator, this creature is cute, awkward, and obviously too far from home.
Bagel Basement
The clear winner. Striking a perfect chord of nonconformity and off-campus knowingness, this is the cup to beat. Being seen with coffee from Bagel Basement is grounds for automatic admission to every secret society and Harvard Law. It can also be valuable: I will instantly facebook-friend you.
