My roommate calls me "The Squid." I don't mind the nickname because I think it makes me sound like some badass super-villain. Unfortunately, the only thing close to a super-power that I have is an amazing ability to single-handedly destroy everything that crosses my path with misplaced blots of "Pilot Precise" pen ink. Not a very badass power.
I always seem to lose track of uncapped pens and, as a result, just about everything I own is stained black, blue or Lightning-Pink Gelly Roll. These apparitions of ink are typically confined to my clothing/bedspread/face, so I was surprised when I woke up the other morning to discover that I had managed to stain the entire pale-wood windowsill of my brand-new dorm room with a pen that somehow got wedged between my bed and the wall after I fell asleep on my American Prose homework. (I'll report it soon, I swear.)
I woke up that morning, bleached the ink off my face and took a little cyber-voyage to the Office of Residential Life's website to find out how I'd be punished for this accidental vandalism. On my way, I stumbled upon the "College Residence Policies and Terms" page and discovered that many of these policies/terms are problematic for those us living in the dorms. I have therefore come up with a few suggestions for how to make your on-campus living experience comfortable and well-decorated (without getting fined by The Man.)
In case you were wondering, there are some pretty ridiculous regulations listed in ORL's digital policy pamphlet. Here's one particularly surprising direct quote:
"Examples of non-permitted items include: microwave ovens, hot plates, toasters, live or cut Christmas trees, rice cookers and charcoal grills."
Seriously, that's a quote. I kid you not. Look it up. They seriously won't let us have microwaves.
The no-microwave policy really sucks for us Shrinky-Dink fanatics (who also enjoy the occasional midnight ramen noodle). That said, I respect and understand the safety issues, so I'm willing to yield to the rules. Plus, if I really need to heat up water to make chicken soup or whatever, I figure I can just stick my hairdryer in the sink and add a few bouillon cubes. Or just go to Bissell and light a trashcan on fire.
I was born and raised by an interior designer, so I'd like to think that I know a thing or two about how one should go about decorating one's room. Thing #1: "Less is More." Thing #2: "More Wall Gum!" Mies van der Rohe would be up in arms if he found out that wall gum and other forms of sticky-tack are prohibited here at Dartmouth. I guess we'll just have to stick with duct tape, which, OMG, is the best thing ever invented. It is useful for just about everything from repairing your shoes to hiding massive ink-stains on your windowsill. It is even rumored to fix the classic, played-out joke.
I'm sure that I'm not the only one who harshly snap-judges people upon taking one look at the stuff hanging on their walls. This is why you should never decorate your walls with dry roses, hazel or oregano bouquets.
Safety and Security will bust into your room in the middle of the night, shove a flashlight in your face, and snap-judge that you are violating the law by conducting a business in your residential facility. They will then confiscate your entire flower shop and leave you with a warning, which is a bummer, but hey -- at least they didn't notice the Christmas tree farm under your bed (opening for the season Nov. 25th).
Back in the good old days, Dartmouth students were allowed to keep dogs in their rooms and even bring them to class (as long as the dogs agreed not to eat any homework). Now, thanks to "animal dander," we are all forbidden from housing furry friends in our rooms and are therefore forced to do our homework. Fortunately, we can still have fish, and piranhas are even better at eating homework! (As long as you print your problem sheets out on slices of honey-baked ham.)
"But what about the tank-size regulation!?!" you may ask. Touch! No healthy pack of piranhas can live in the ORL regulation 10-gallon tank. This is why they invented the waterbed.
While we're on the subject of waterbeds -- I never understood why relationships never seem to last here at Dartmouth until I stumbled upon this gem: "Dartmouth College students are allowed to visit in another student's room for a period not to exceed three days and two nights during a two week period."
There we have it: Dartmouth's hook-up culture in a nutshell. And to think, this whole time I've blamed my bad luck on my insecurities/piranhas ... turns out those heartbreakers were just following the rules! (Note: We'll always have the Dartmouth Seven ...)
Well, that's just about it. I'll conclude by pointing out to the freshmen living down the hall from me that although blasting "Chumbawamba" at 1 in the morning is not explicitly outlawed by ORL, it's safe to say that if I hear that song one more time, you'll get knocked down until you are entirely incapable of getting up again.
-JusttryingtodomyAmericanProseHW
(P.S. You're right -- you can't actually microwave Shrinky-Dinks. They just melt into amorphous puddles of napkin-caked sludge. I tried it in Novack.)
