Dear Anna and Chris,
As you probably know, I am a pretty big guy who loves steak. Not steak like Theta Delt, but steak like delicious meat on the barbecue. My girlfriend, though, is a total chick, and will only eat veggie burgers and tofu soy dogs. I don't want to be mean, but everyone knows that summer is about grilling and this just can't continue. How do I break it to her that no meat equals no me?
Sincerely,
Stumped About Un-Carnivorous Eater
Dear SAUCE,
Anna says: Dude. Dump her immediately. Do not dilly-dally. It doesn't matter how lean this girl is, you have to chuck her like beef! Didn't your mom teach you anything? Never trust, much less love, a vegetarian. Here are some historical examples: Jonathan Taylor Thomas (J.T.T.), Andre 3000 (from "Outkast") and Kaia ( from the "Real World Hawaii") are vegetarians and puh-lease, if they aren't examples of shady characters I don't know who is! On the meat loving side we have, oh, I don't know, only everyone else in the world. So tell your girlfriend to suck it up, pull up a chair, tuck in and enjoy the big slice of meat, or as I like to call it "animal flesh." And, everyone knows too many cows equals too many methane gas farts and then the earth has a real problem. Go home and eat some beef!
Chris Says: First of all, why does Anna's name always come first when people write to us? And why does she get the first say? I question this system. Anyway, onto the meat of the issue, pun totally intended. As a former vegetarian myself, SAUCE, I can identify with your girlfriend's situation. It is important that you treat this conundrum gingerly. Be tender with her and make sure she understands that you are just looking out for her own health and safety. Remind her that you're a sensitive guy who likes long walks on the beach, loves French wine, and enjoys a nice book by a warm fire. There's a lot at steak here, so don't grill her with questions about her dietary choice. Just gently remind her that "dog days of summer" is just short for "hot dog days of summer" and that hungry and meatless is no way to go through life.
Compromise: OK, SAUCE, Anna obviously feels very strongly that meat is necessary for not only a healthy relationship but also a healthy diet. Chris, on the other hand, urges you to speak gingerly and be tender with your girlfriend. The perfect solution? A tender, juicy steak with a little ginger sauce! Put your grill on medium and make sure to marinate your tenderloins least an hour in a nicely spiced ginger soy sauce. A guaranteed spicy, yet tender, experience for both your stomach and your loins ... tenderloins, that is.
Until Next time,
Chris and Anna
(Selflessly dispensing advice to the socially awkward and confused and trying not to kill each other in the process, we know because we've been there.)
