Dear Hannah and Anna,
What they didn't tell me at room draw last year is that the walls of my dorm are literally paper thin. Which wouldn't be a problem, if my neighbor and her boyfriend didn't hump like rabbits. I've dealt with the squeals and bumps for over two terms, but it's getting ridiculous and my lack of sleep is starting to affect my GPA. How can I tactfully yet forcefully get them to stop doing it?
Thanks
Tired in ******** (for Room Draw purposes, we chose not to identify said dormitory)
Dear Tired,
Sleep is very important to the budding college scholar. Yet (according to Hannah's thorough studies) the average 18-22 year old gets only 55 percent of the recommended amount of shut-eye! How appalling! Who knew? Significant lack of sleep can be very detrimental to one's studies, energy, mental health and personal relations with beloved friends and family members (i.e. your roommate/friend/fellow column writer who forgot to feed the pet hamster during finals last term because she was so sleep deprived ... R.I.P Flouffy, we'll miss you, not bitter or anything). In other words, sleep is a life or death situation, and thus is of the utmost importance. We assume you've tried all the obvious solutions -- talking to your neighbor, talking to your UGA, talking to ORL, talking to yourself (just for fun). But if these tried and true solutions have not achieved the desired result, you must change your tactics. We grant you permission to get down and play dirty ... this is your mental health, and you're allowed to fight for it. Think Robin Hood: you are restoring harmony back to your own "Sherwood Forest" by stealing from the overly sexed and giving back sleep to those who deserve it. The following sinister tricks may be used at your own discretion:
1.Start keeping a Sex Journal of your neighbor's "activities." Keep a log of when she and her beau do the no-pants dance, how long it lasts, and so on (mark any specific noise patterns you can identify). This way, you can learn to avoid your room at key times and, if they do start boinging at an unpredicted moment, you'll have a good idea of for how long you should excuse yourself to "get a breath of fresh air."
2.Convince a friend that it'll be fun to switch rooms for a term -- make it sound really appealing. (Call it "room swap" because anything with the word "swap" in the title automatically sounds much more exciting!)
3.Put slugs in her bed.
4.Thwart their romance by playing Raffi at the loudest volume your stereo can go (if you're playing music from your computer, we recommend you buy speakers ... trust us, it's a worthwhile investment). It's hard to focus on riding the love train when "Baby Beluga" is blasting in the background. It may be unpleasant for you, but less sex for them equals more sleep for you and childhood-story-themed sleep is better than no sleep.
5.If you can't beat them, join them. The next time they go at it, start making loud ooh- and ahh-ing noises of your own (feel free to pound on the wall, call out your own name, etc)! They'll either invite you in (ch-ching!) or be so creeped out that they'll stop. Either way, you benefit.
But we ask you this ... if your neighbor and her partner were doing the nasty in an empty forest, would it even be heard? You ponder this, Dartmouth.
Until next time...
Hannah and Anna (selflessly dispensing advice to the socially awkward and confused ... we know because we've been there)
