Dear Hannah and Anna,
I signed up for "Hunting Safety" to get closer to a hot boy, but am slowly realizing that it's a horrific idea. There's no way to look good while wearing neon orange vests and camouflage tracker pants. How can I make this a flirty, fun event? Is it a lost cause?
Thanks,
Please Don't Shoot Me Dick Cheney in Ripley
Dear Please Don't Shoot Me...
Are you for serious? I mean, did you seriously sign up for a hunter's safety course to get closer to a guy you like? How pathetic. Honestly, people don't do stuff like that. It's just as pitiable as taking an extra long time deliberating over which frozen fruits to include in your smoothie in hopes that your "after 11s crush" passes in Collis Cafe, or switching into a morning drill section with the sole purpose of staring longingly into the dreamy eyes of your personal bi-lingual hero. Thankfully, such blatant and conniving acts are few on this campus and certainly such socially astute ladies as ourselves have never partaken in such actions. Nevertheless, your problem deserves a solution.
If this guy you like chose to take this course, he's obviously very serious about hunting. Therefore, your flirting tactics will have to change drastically. The damsel-in-distress routine ("Oh! Help me! This rifle is sooo heavy!") isn't going to work on him. Nor is the gently-nudging-on-the-shoulder-when-he-says-something-funny-while-simultaneously-flipping-your-hair technique. Screwing with his aim in this situation could be very dangerous.
Instead, you need to become ber knowledgeable regarding all things hunting. Go online and do a little research -- there is nothing worse than being uniformed about your crush's passion. Below we have listed some things you can say to make it look like you grew up hunting with your daddy every Sunday:
1."You know, 'There is no hunting like the hunting of man." It's a Hemmingway quote; he'll think you're brilliant. Or perhaps, "There is a passion for hunting something deeply implanted in the human breast." Also a quote -- Charles Dickens. Place word emphasis on "hunting" and "breast."
2."Last time I went hunting, I shot four deer, three bunnies, six birds and a buffalo. And then I ate them all raw for dinner that night." He'll believe you, we swear. It's all in the delivery.
3."You know, this gun is okay, but I really prefer my trusty Dakota M76 in .270 Win. It's light and trim, with a classic-styled stock of decent walnut*, definitely my preference." Stroking your gun as you say this also helps.
Memorize this list of every-day-hunting info, and you will be fine. Just fine. But we ask you this: in such a case, are you the hunted ... or the hunter? You ponder this, Dartmouth.
Until next time,
Hannah and Anna, selflessly dispensing advice to the socially awkward and confused (we know because we've been there).
