Dear Hannah and Anna,
There's this guy who keeps asking me to play pong at his frat but I suck -- I really struggle keeping the ball on the table, let alone hitting or sinking a cup. Given my lack-luster pong skills, I keep telling him I have something I have to do (not a complete lie), but I am interested in him as more than a friend. So, how do I let said pong-lover know I'm interested in him without letting on to my horrible pong abilities?
Help me,
Hopeless at Pong
Dear Hopeless at Pong,
Believe it or not, your problem is one faced by many at our illustrious school. Because Dartmouth students value pong above sleep, food and respect for their fellow human beings, having what we like to call (in our ever-oh-so-PC-way) "pongtardation" can be pretty rough. Keep in mind, however, that every young person experiences the struggle to fit in and be accepted by peers or potential romantic partner(s).
The obvious and mature approach to this dilemma would be to bite the bullet, be brave, and tell Fratboy McGee that if he can't appreciate you for who you are, lack of paddle-coordination and all, then he can just go find himself a new ladyfriend to ooh and ahh at his talents on the table. Some, however, are not this mature. Thus, we have created a useful list (carefully tested and approved by Anna and Hannah for your safety and pleasure) of solutions to your disability at Dartmouth's ultimate game.
1.Say you'll meet him, and just don't show up. You're spacey -- it's part of your endearing charm.
2.Arrive with your dominant arm in a sling (or perhaps artfully wrapped in an ace bandage). When your partner exclaims, "You can't possibly play pong when your dominant arm is wrapped in a sling (or perhaps an ace bandage)!" answer, "I'm that hardcore." (Make sure to wear this around campus for at least three days after the event, so he doesn't get suspicious.)
3.Bring a stunt double. You think Angelina Jolie does all her own stunts in such film classics as "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider?" We think not.
4.Bring a puppy. Boys love puppies. Or is that girls? Gender stereotypes are criss-crossing these days. What a shame.
5.Do we dare say ... suggest a social activity other than pong? Perhaps a quiet dinner at Molly's followed by drinks at the Canoe Club and a romantic stroll to the golf course where you and Mr. Respectful-but-still-confidently-sexy Loverman sit and appreciate the stars ... in each others' eyes? You ponder this, Dartmouth.
Until next time...
Hannah and Anna, selflessly dispensing advice to the socially awkward and confused (we know because we've been there).
