As a fairly old Dartmouth tradition, our celebration of Winter Carnival embodies the "Dear old Dartmouth, set a watch, lest the old traditions fail" dictum in the Alma Mater. Unfortunately 'Dear old Dartmouth,' has for the past few years set watches, committees, deans and officers to ensure the utter failure of our old traditions of bacchanalian beer-drenched revelry. After a long war of attrition, this Carnival, we should finally give in and give up the Keystones at least for this weekend. Of course I am by no means urging a surrender of our right to bacchanalian revelry. I'm just saying that if we're gonna drench it with something, we might as well drench it with liquor.
A nice cold one is great in the summertime because it quenches your thirst and cools you down. The frigid Hanover winters, however, make cold beer unappealing and impractical. Liquor, on the other hand, makes you think you're warm. There are other benefits. It is an unforgivable faux pas to invite friends over for pong, only to realize the beer you were supposed to play with froze in the cans because your heater can't keep the house above freezing. That is very unlikely to happen with 80 proof liquor, which freezes around -30EF, depending on the type. And yes, liquor pong is dope.
Hopefully the Theta Delt pig roast is the only place any of us will encounter pigs this weekend. Unfortunately, the fine Hanover boys in blue will be out in full force and are sure to snag themselves a college kid or ten over Winter Carnival. Although the Puritans in the New Hampshire state legislature can no longer hang people under idiotic charges such as witchcraft or demonic possession, the equally idiotic charge of internal possession is now fair game. Liquor or beer, nothing can save a drunk underage kid from a ride in the cruiser and 8 hours of "alcohol is bad" class after he blows into the straw. Yet liquor allows a man of legal age to escape the authorities' second favorite excuse to ruin his night, the open container violation. Pour your hard stuff in a flask, and don't let the cops see you take a swig off it in the street. Legal, convenient, and portable; can't say that about an open 'Stone. It's much more sophisticated, too.
Besides striking out, one of the biggest nightlife disappointments is getting too drunk and passing out early. Beer is an especially treacherous drink in this regard because it contains hops, which have been used for centuries as a mild sedative for the treatment of insommnia. The logical solution? You guessed it. With liquor you can blackout without passing out, which might be dangerous but is fun in all scenarios. It also minimizes a common Dartmouth blackout side-effect: hosing random locations. Although all alcoholic beverages are diuretic, twelve shots definitely create a smaller strain on the bladder than a twelve-pack. Liquor can thus even stop a relationship disaster.As our College's prolific alcohol statisticians assert, "9 out of 10 Dartmouth students don't let alcohol ruin personal relationships." We can help those hard working guys with their cause by preventing ruined relationships due to beer-related girlfriends' bed hosing snafus.
Since drinking liquor as the main alcoholic beverage would be a new tradition at Dartmouth, we could have the chance to actually start it out on the right track. The worst thing about the beer supremacy here is that it is a supremacy of very bad beer. We should not make the same mistake with liquor. Forget the Zhenka and other plastic bottle rotgut beverages and go for the Grey Goose and the many other fine selections at your neighborhood liquor store. Your palate will thank you when you take the shot and your head will thank you in the morning. Oh, and I almost forgot. Whether beer or liquor, always drink in moderation, whatever that might mean to you.
