Keep your enemies close, watch your back and keep your lips glossed at all times. Welcome to the art of war -- teenage girl style. Your guides will be the Queen Bees, who are "fabulous but evil." Also known as the A-Clique or the Plastics.
You are a martian from another planet sent on a mission to learn more about this particular species of wickedness. Well, not really. You're the next closest thing: A girl that has been home-schooled in the animal world of Africa.
In the new film "Mean Girls," to be released on April 30, teen screen queen Lindsay Lohan plays the socially-clueless Cady Heron to Rachel McAdams' social dictator, Regina George.
The older generation of parents, teachers and school administrators are played by Saturday Night Live cast members, who provide a lively backdrop to the action without stealing the spotlight.
Tina Fey is also credited with writing the screenplay, based on Rosalind Wiseman's book, "Queen Bees and Wannabes." Yes, it's a satire about cliches. Yes, there are stereotypes. Yes, there are recycled jokes. However, audiences who don't expect high art may find themselves chuckling throughout the entire movie.
Damian, the flamboyantly gay character describes Regina as, "the Barbie Doll I never had."
In another scene, Cady needs to wear something pink. She turns to ask Damian and his sidekick, Janice, the artsy goth freak, if they have anything she can borrow. Janice and Damian answer simultaneously:
Janice: No!
Damian: Yes!
The funniest scene in the movie, however, is math whiz, Kevin Gnapoor's rap song for the talent show.
Bottom line: "Mean Girls" is fun and funny. It's like Clueless with bite.
You might even learn a few things about being a teenage girl in the "civilized" world.
For instance, Halloween is the one day that the Slut Rule applies -- girls can dress like sluts and no one is allowed to say anything. Cady learns this lesson the hard way by showing up to class hottie Aaron's party dressed as an ex-wife from a zombie horror flick.
Indeed, girl world revolves around lots and lots of rules, many unspoken and accepted as given. As Cady explains, girl world is different from animal world. In girl world, "all fighting had to be sneaky." The key to power is secrets, because secrets translate into social leverage.
Cady reaches the zenith of social prowess at the point when she observes, "I have learned to control everyone around me" at home and school.
Cady dethrones the very blonde, very wealthy and very manipulative Regina George to take on the title of Queen Bee herself. In revenge, Regina schemes a plot which turns the school into a "Girls Gone Wild" frenzy.
Nonetheless, the movie redeems our heroine in the end, with a little help from her hottie crush, who admonishes her for hiding her math genius. Upon realizing Cady's faking a need for his poor tutoring skills, he tells her, "You're failing [math] on purpose? That's stupid."
The skies break and an enlightened Cady emerges to lead her school's Mathletes team to victory. She realizes during the Death Match of the competition that hurting others does not better oneself.
Running into the school dance wearing her Mathletes jacket and gold medal, she arrives just in time to be crowned Queen.
In an Oprah-worthy speech, Cady asks why everyone is so obsessed with the plastic tiara. Everyone is special and everyone should be recognized for his or her individual beauty.
To gasps of horror, she breaks the crown into many pieces. She then proceeds to disburse pieces to her competitors and other party-goers.
Everyone is a winner, and so is this movie despite its cheesy ending.
