Note: The Dartmouth made an exception to its policy of not publishing anonymous submissions. After speaking to the author -- a female student at the College -- the editors of The Dartmouth determined the piece's content warranted an exception.
About three years ago at Dartmouth, a former 'friend' sexually assaulted me. By the advice and help from friends, counselors, and Susan Marine, I reported the attack, went through the Committee on Standards (COS), but my offender was not penalized for any of his actions. Indeed, I write this article to support Susan Marine's 11/10/99 article. Sexual assaults are definitely under reported and overlooked at college campuses, and the Dartmouth administration has done a great disservice to a number of sexual assault victims. It is no wonder why faculty and friends have said to me, "You know, I have heard that Dartmouth has this 'reputation' for mishandling sexual assault cases. Is that true?" From my experience, I always say, "YES."
So, before you make any premature assumptions or thoughts about my situation, I invite you to read further and learn about my personal experience. I hope you'll understand what it is like for a young friendly woman to be hurt and humiliated and to go through 'double victimization' -- first for the attack, and second by the Dartmouth administration (i.e. the COS).
My story begins with the male offender and his friend entering the women's floor of our dorm. From my doorway, I saw the two men enter the women's bathroom. He happened to be a good friend to a couple of my best friends, so I was not at all taken aback when he then entered my room. I asked the offender why he was using the women's bathroom and he jokingly said, "I am so fucking drunk, I can use any fucking bathroom I want." Being friendly and playful, I laughed and quipped in return. He left and later returned and asked me to use blitz. I got up from my seat, and he sat down and pulled me to his lap. I turned my head around and mischievously said "I will sign you on, gimme your password." He said nothing and simply looked the other way. As I sat on his lap, his hands were on my hips and were playing with the waistband of my shorts. Again, he was a mutual friend of my best friends so his flirtatious playfulness did not alarm me in any way.
He then simply asked if we could 'talk.' I said yes, and he got up to close my dorm room door. He took my hand and led me to my bed. We sat down and continued to have a humorous and playful conversation. At no point, however, did I invite the offender to make any sexual advances.
Although my original written account of the following events is comprehensive and thorough, I have managed to distance myself from many of the details. Over the years, I have learned that such mental distancing minimizes emotional pain. Of course, I still remember the details by verbatim, but to recite them now would probably cause much pain to resurface. Thus, I will simply disclose the highlights of the violation.
1) I struggled with the offender to keep and maintain various articles of my clothing. In one instance, I even had to struggle to get my shirt back, but the offender repeatedly snatched it out of my hands and threw it across the other side of the room to humor me. He honestly thought it was funny and playful, but I was embarrassed and even humiliated.
2) Because I am petite and lightweight, the offender easily managed to lift me up, put me on to the bed and get on top of me. This, unfortunately, does not constitute a violation since I showed no clear signs of resistance. I was too 'shocked' and 'embarrassed' that this 'friend' was behaving so hyperactively and out-of-control. It was quite obvious that alcohol made him much more uninhibited than usual.
3) The offender fondled and grappled my breasts without my permission. While still trying to be polite and 'friendly' to this 'friend,' I repeatedly said, 'no' and asked him to leave my room. He did not stop upon my request and continued to touch my body. This physical contact resulted into various small bruises on my chest, which was later documented and supported by a Dick's house physician.
4) I managed to slip away from underneath the offender and stand upright. The offender later pulled me to his chest, put both his hands down my shorts and grabbed onto my underwear. The offender said, "Oh why is your underwear so small" and immediately tried to pull down my underwear and shorts at the same time. I, however, managed to maintain a forceful hold of his forearms, pulling upward and preventing him from taking my shorts off. After this, I managed to snag my shirt and quickly put it on. The offender then stopped and left my room after saying 'hey --it was great getting to know your nipples.'
After the incident, I was shaken and overwhelmed, and I immediately confided to a friend, who happened to be his close friend. She advised me to report it. Within minutes, I reported the incident to the police and Safety and Security. I was sent to Dick's house to cope with overwhelming emotions and shock. I subsequently had nightmares, crying alone both at night and in the daytime. I was too scared to walk alone or go back to my room. I was so very young at the time and never before had I ever experienced such unwanted sexual contact in my life.
After the Hanover Police did an investigation and evaluated the evidence, they considered the offender guilty and immediately arrested and fined him. Of course, upon his arrest, it was widely publicized and all his Dartmouth friends confronted me and accused me of causing pain to his life and future. I was so scared. Being a shy, naturally compassionate and non-controversial person, I could not bear being attacked in such way; I was so very upset and hurt by incident and wanted a more peaceful resolution. Thus, I chose a more lenient alternative: the Committee on Standards. Instead of a police record, I would settle for disciplinary action on his college record. All I wanted was for him to learn from his mistakes. I just wanted justice.
Dean Lee Pelton, who was the acting dean of the College at the time, had a reputation among students for being unsupportive to sexual assault victims. In my case, he asked to speak to me about my written complaint to the COS. He said to me, "Nowhere in your statement do you show any act of resistance." I was shocked and stammered, "What? On page 3, I am trying to force his arms out of my shorts... I say 'no' and ask him to leave my room several times." He then responded, "Oh. I didn't see that. OK." I was so shy then that I didn't question his authority. But what did he mean, that he DIDN'T see that?? Another sexual assault victim later confided to me about Lee Pelton and said, "Yeah, he was speaking to my dad about my case and he said to my dad, "Well, your daughter WAS in a fraternity'" as if that was some justification for her assailant's behavior and the serious injuries she sustained from the sexual assault. She said to me, "My dad had to sit on his hands trying to prevent himself from getting up and strangling that man. He was SO furious."
At my COS hearing, the committee heard our opening statements and accounts of the incident. I gave all the evidence that I supplied to the police to the committee. My offender presented himself as a pure and devout Catholic. This same young man, who claimed to be so pure and with God on his side, was the same person who would ask my best friend such things as 'hey --, have you ever licked a guy's dick?" He then lied about our conversation and interaction and tried to portray me as 'deviant' and 'sluttish' and that I had 'problems.' This character-bashing came out of nowhere -- I was shocked and appalled. Not only were these statements completely irrelevant to the incidents that happened that night, they were completely false. I was so angry and yet at the same time I felt sorry for him. In the subtle inflections of his voice, I could imagine and hear how very scared he was to jeopardize his Dartmouth career. Nothing could possibly explain the mixture of anger, betrayal, sadness and yet compassion I felt during this hearing.
My offender claimed that he was nervous and scared during our encounter. Then a COS member asked. "If you were nervous or scared, why did you touch her breasts?" He responded, "OH, that is a natural response for me... I was so scared that she was behaving in such an inappropriate way... it was my first instinct to touch her breasts." Huh. Despite the fact I said 'no.' This was one of his fundamental arguments during the COS hearing. Tell me, reader, does this sound like a LIE to you? Well the COS member's response was, "You do know that is not a smart thing to do " I nearly fell to pieces. What kind of twisted logic gets so easily welcomed?
After the hearing, I was later informed that the committee was almost equally divided among their deliberations. But the committee barely leaned in favor of the offender. I was told that some were partly concerned about the disruption his academic career at Dartmouth. The COS, thus, could not fully agree and determine whether he broke the code of student conduct. How did my physical evidence and detailed account get overlooked? Tell me why, when I reported the case to the police, that they used the very same evidence to immediately arrest and fine my offender? The COS committee at Dartmouth failed to preserve my justice, and nothing was done. This was my 'second victimization.'
Everything else about Dartmouth, I do wholeheartedly love. But I will never forgive nor forget the incompetence that was handled in my sexual assault case. Nor will I forget the echoing voices of other sexual assault victims who confided to me and shared similar painful experiences and injustice with the Dartmouth administration.
Does the administration really think they have an impeccable record, a robust and infallible system for disciplining students who commit sexual assault or harassment? I know with all my heart and soul that the system failed for me, and I write this letter to draw attention to this matter. My greatest fear is that Dartmouth will continue to go on with its poor reputation of handling sexual assault cases. I know there are other girls on campus who have had similar experiences, but we are far apart from one another. It is hard for us women to form a substantial voice that will be heard. Sadly, I do realize that this article will be ignored by many people on campus or dismissed for one reason or another. It is my hope, though, that this outspoken article will encourage the college to improve its manner and system for handling sexual assault or harassment cases.
Having shared my personal experience, I'd like to end this article by extending some 'older and wiser' advice to students. First, there is no doubt that alcohol and sexual misconduct or assault go hand-in-hand. You may be intelligent, affluent or well-respected, but under the influence of alcohol, it is so easy to let your inhibitions go. You can misinterpret your friend or partner and take sexual advantage of someone else without realizing the consequences for your actions or behavior.
Sexual assault and harassment is a very painful thing to go through. You feel so alone. I pray that no one else has to go through the pain I went through. So please take my experience to heart, and be careful and responsible for all your actions regardless of who you are.
