LOU: Kev, are you ready for Green Key?
KEV: Sure, but Green Key presents a problem for those of us that are athletically inclined.
LOU: Why is that Kev?
KEV: You simpleton. Homecoming evolved to rally the student body around football. Winter Carnival came of age to celebrate outdoor winter sports. But Green Key? A sports-less party weekend requires every individual to do some soul-searching on what are appropriate outdoor activities.
LOU: I think it is our duty to conjure up some alternatives which will allow the student population to remain active and still have fun on their Green Key weekend.
KEV: Why, that's a fabulous idea. Who better to tell Dartmouth kids how to spend their weekend than us?
LOU: Then it's decided. Here are Kev and Lou's Top 5 Green Key Outdoor Activities.
- Slip 'n' Slide
It's smooth, wet and won't irritate til morning. Relatively simple with more complicated variations, Slip n' Slide is good wholesome fun for the whole family. Basically, take a running start at a long yellow piece of plastic. Add water. Slide. Beware of asphalt or stationary objects at the end of the runway. To make it more techinical, add a scorer's table next to the slide and have each attempt scored, allowing for an overall winner. Watch out for the Russian judges.
- Wiffleball
Timeless classic. If you have grown up in your life without a wiffleball story, then you haven't lived. A little ball with eight holes which allows the pitcher to throw pitches worthy of a Niekro, although fastballs are an unwritten no-no. The more open the space the better; beware of the wiffleball's nemesis, tree branches. If the ball does hit a tree, start making stupid bird sounds and pretend you hit one.
- Strokes and Cases
This event is open only to those over the age of 21. Designate a driver and head out of town and away from the glories of Hanover Country Club for a day. Hit the links in a nearby town and get set for one of the most challenging 18 holes of golf of your life. Shinnecock? No. Brookline? Wrong again. Any course will do.
Split up into four-person teams and begin a normal scramble golf format with one caveat - beer. Take a stroke away from your team score for every beer you drink. Keep in mind, this article does not advocate excessive drinking, for the teams that win are those who can balance leisurely cans of brew with composure on the links.
- Synchronized Grinding
Making its Olympic debut next year in Sydney, synchronized grinding is growing in popularity on the international scene. To join the craze, find a large outdoor venue with music (most likely in front of Alpha Delta fraternity tomorrow afternoon), grab a partner, and dosey-do.
Like synchronized swimming, everything must be done together with grace and precision. If you dip, they dip. If you spin, they spin. For a more challenging dance, get up on the railing and dance together. Although there are no actual judges (still beware of Russians), synchronized grinding at its highest level is sure to get many stares from your neighbors. But beware of pretentious Miniversity people who have been taking Beginner's Synchronized Grinding all term.
- Outdoor Pong
Very different from the friendly confines of your basement of choice. The only rule is that there are no rules. Well, actually the rules are identical, but wind, air currents and weather come into play. Games such as ship and other complicated games are often not worth playing outdoors due to their length, which often runs over an hour. Instead, stick to more simplistic games such as tree or two-cup. Play the wind. If you want to hit cups in the middle of the table, you must aim for an edge of the table and let the wind take the ball back in. Remember, the wind is your friend. As Wesley Snipes said in "White Men Can't Jump," the wind can move the ball six to eight inches. Also, grass surfaces make diving for cup-saves the norm rather than the spectacular. Once again, only partake if you are over 21 years old.
