Dartmouth I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
Dartmouth one hundred twenty thousand dollars June 8, 1997.
I can't stand my own dorm.
Dartmouth when will we end the DDS war?
Go f*ck yourself with your DA$H account.
I don't feel good don't bother me.
I won't write my thesis till I'm in my right mind.
Dartmouth when will you be affordable?
When will you get rid of your fines?
When will you look at yourself through your students' eyes?
When will you be worthy of your 50 Classics majors?
Dartmouth why are your libraries full of stress?
Dartmouth when will you send your recruiters to Hell?
I'm sick of your expensive demands.
When can I go into Topside and buy what I need with my good looks?
Dartmouth after all it is you and I who are perfect not grad school.
Your BlitzMail is too much for me.
You made me want to be motivated.
There must be some other way to settle this overdue book notice.
Pelton is in Norwich I don't think he'll come back it's sinister.
Are you being sinister or is this another fine?
I'm trying to come to the point.
I refuse to give up my halogen lamp.
Dartmouth stop fining I know what I'm doing.
Dartmouth the weather should be warm every day.
I haven't read the campus publications for months, everyday someone goes on trial for plagiarism.
Dartmouth I feel sentimental about Beta.
Dartmouth I joined a Greek house when I was a sophomore I'm not sorry.
I smoke marijuana every chance I get.
I sit in my dorm for days on end and stare at the Snood screen.
When I go to Amarna I get drunk and never get laid.
My mind is made up there's going to be trouble.
You should have seen me reading Leslie Silko.
My Dick's House counselor thinks I'm perfectly right.
I have purple sunglasses and hair on my back.
Dartmouth I still haven't told you what you did to M.D. after senior fall.
I'm addressing you.
Are you going to let your emotional life be run by The D?
I'm obsessed by The D.
I read it every day.
Its cover stares at me every time I slink past the Hop recycling bin.
I read it in the basement of Baker Library.
It's always telling me about responsibility. Government professors are serious. Senior fellows are serious. Everybody's serious but me.
It occurs to me that I am Dartmouth.
I am talking to myself again.
The Supercluster is rising against me.
I haven't got a New Dorms' chance.
I'd better consider my academic resources.
My academic resources consist of two bottles of fiber laxatives millions of Career Services bulletins unpublishable postmodern literature that goes in liminal loops and 25,000 UGAs.
I say nothing about my kiosks nor the millions of overachievers who live in my Kiewit under the light of five hundred fluorescent bulbs.
My ambition is to be President despite the fact that I went to Harvard.
Dartmouth how can I write a research paper in your silly mood?
I will continue like Eleazar Wheelock my prejudices are as individual as his morals more so they're all problematic signifiers.
Dartmouth I will sell you signifiers $2500 apiece $500 down on your old signifier.
Dartmouth free the co-ed houses.
Dartmouth save the Spare Rib.
Dartmouth Webster Hall must not die.
Dartmouth I am Jon Heavey.
Dartmouth when I was a student I never went on any FSPs I worked at a TV show in New York and I delivered Panda House I got good tips and bought beer every weekend everybody was angelic and sentimental about Rolling Rock Joe Caterini was a grand old man a real mensch "Baraka" made me cry I once saw Harry's Truck Stop plain. Everybody must have been in a frat.
Dartmouth you don't want to go to war.
Dartmouth it's them bad liberals.
Them liberals them liberals and them vegetarians. And them liberals.
The political correctness wants to eat us alive. Her needs a P.C. housing lottery. Her wants our frats in San Francisco. Him big pita bread with sprouts running our Collis.
That no good. Ugh. Him make Sig Eps learn read. Him need big fat linebackers. Hah. Her make us all go to the drag ball. Help.
Dartmouth this is quite serious.
Dartmouth this is the impression I get from reading the alumni magazine.
Dartmouth is this correct?
I'd better get right down to the job.
It's true I don't want to be a consultant or go to med school, I'm sadistic and disrespectful anyway.
Dartmouth I'm putting my slack shoulder to the wheel.
