Happy [St.] Valentine's Day as this day is fast approaching. For some it is a time of euphoric reflection with someone they love. For others it is a time of exciting anticipation, a time to possibly meet that special someone. For the rest of us, it is a time of melancholic fuming about the status of our love lives.
I hate to see my fellow Dartmouth students unhappy, so I encourage everyone to do their best to enjoy this hallowed day. I tend to look forward to February 14th with a bit of optimism, although I have made many mistakes in Valentine's Days past. So I offer my humble reflections on how one can have a fun and safe Valentine's Day (sounds kind of like Halloween, doesn't it?).
1) FIND A DATE.
Duh, sounds like a no brainer, but some people do nothing until the day before and then are sad when the day approaches and they are eating pasta alone at Food Court.
2) DO SOME RESEARCH
I do not mean look this person up in the Green Book or Mugshots. By research, I advise that you know a little bit about your date before the fateful night. This will help you prepare the necessary small talk (after weather, year and major have been exhausted). More importantly, you can prevent a major faux pas. For example, in high school I took my date to a very expensive steak house only to find out that she was an ardent vegan. The next year I gave $20 in chocolates to a diabetic (my friend Joey had it worse: he sent a girl with violent hay fever to the hospital after giving her 10 dozen roses). If you can get a hold of his or her police record, that's a bonus. It never hurts to know these sort of things about your date.
3) PLAN AHEAD
Make reservations at a restaurant. Few people are impressed with Valentine's Day at Friendly's or McDonald's. Make sure you have a clean outfit to wear. Nothing can spoil someone's first impression like a big ketchup stain on your favorite shirt. Also, unless you want the last three pink carnations in the Upper Valley, order flowers ahead of time (after you read the allergy charts of your prospective date). If you are really on the ball, have that chartered helicopter ready to take your date off to Boston for a night of romance and mystery (heck, it's on a Friday this year).
4) WEAR YOUR SEATBELT
Last year I was hit by a drunk driver coming home from a nice dinner with my Valentine's date. I was having a great time and was about to ask her on a second date when we were rear-ended by some drunk bankers (don't laugh this really happened). I did get to see her again, but only for her to sign the witness' card for my insurance company (am I a romantic or what?). This is also good advice if you go with the Helicopter option.
5) USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM
Have an exit plan in case your date turns out to be someone akin to Charles Manson (or Lorena Bobbitt). I have always found that having a friend poised to have sudden appendicitis is a polite alibi for leaving an otherwise unsuccessful date. If all of your friends are occupied (it is Valentine's Day after all), be ready to fake your own appendicitis (if you do not have an appendix, try gastric colitis).
I'm sure that these five easy tips are common sense to everyone, but it never hurts to reiterate them. I wish a Happy Valentine's Day to everyone; remember that it can be a lot of fun. I wish I could celebrate it alongside you, but my insurance company hasn't given me clearance yet.
