At about this time of the year, every senior who has ever written something opinionated for a campus publication is contemplating writing a "senior column," in which they say their parting words and enlighten us as to the true nature of Dartmouth, the universe, etc.
Then they go out and get a job and resume their pedestrian lives.
You'll see one from John Strayer '96 any time now, and Katie Shutzer '96 is undoubtedly planning one. Monica Oberkofler '96 will get to deliver hers to the whole senior class as the orator on Class Day. It's a very serious thing to do; after all, these will be a writer's last public words as a Dartmouth student.
Dartmouth coddles writers and encourages them, giving them room to publish, useful criticism, and a guiding hand. The real world, however, eats writers alive for breakfast. I, for example, will make a good snack.
What you have here is a pre-emptive senior column. I dislike senior columns, because they are written for the writer more than the reader. When you scratch the surface, they contain messages such as:
"I'm very wise and I am going to tell you wise things that will enhance your life forever."
"Goodbye, I know you'll miss me. It's been great, guys."
"I've got a job and a life after this and I'm going to rub it in your unemployed face by casually mentioning it in the context of some seemingly innocuous anecdote."
Alas, the columns are also sad, because after all, they remind us of the undeniable mortality of our college careers -- unless things go awry, of course. They remind us that in three years nobody will remember us despite our feeble efforts to gain our little forms of immortality.
As a service to the public, I am going to distill all the wisdom of forthcoming senior columns right here in bullet form, so all the reader needs to do is clip and save this column, and place it on her dorm refrigerator. Instead of reading all the forthcoming columns, which will be self-serving and repetitive, a daily scan of this one will suffice.
What this will do is relieve the other '96s of the burden of passing along precious wisdom to future generations, and allow them to concentrate on passing finals, drinking, and fulfilling distributive requirements, in no particular order.
1) Your college career will be over faster than you think, so make the most of it.
2) You should do what you enjoy, and not just what will make you a lot of money.
3) Despite all the problems it has, Dartmouth is the greatest school ever in the history of mankind.
4) It's okay to be unemployed with no prospects by June 9th. Really.
5) Granite will get into your muscles and brains, but at the cost of quick-thinking and mobility. You won't mind, though. Granite is quite a novelty in social situations.
6) Dartmouth will mean a lot to everyone. To some people, it will mean more than their families and children.
7) Never lose sight of your dreams or lose the will to fight for what is right and what you believe in.
8) Dartmouth alumni must always stick together, even when I am homeless and smelly and knock on your door and expect a place to live for free for several months.
9) Children are our future. Treat them well and let them lead the way.
10) Why can't we all just get along?
So there you have it. That's what we seniors have learned in the past four years and would like to pass along to everyone for their edification. With this snippet posted in your room, you need not read anything with a "'96" after it for the rest of your life if you don't want to.
I will part by leaving you with a few more pieces of wisdom, these about columnists in general.
Firstly, columnists are very vain. They like having their photos next to what they write. Always remember that the good columnist is writing for his ego, and you are a means to this.
Never get worked up over what columnists say. You have to write about 40 of these things before you begin to realize that including facts is a good technique. I have written 60 or so and have grasped this too late. I have seen so many people get really angry over what columnists write. It's not worth it. We rarely know what we are talking about.
Having said that, thanks for reading. Have a good life.
