Just as governments are subject to the wishes of their citizens, and companies are subject to the whims of their stockholders, columnists must occasionally make themselves subject to pressures from their readership. So responding to a request that I write about "something real," something other than "this feminism stuff [that] is becoming a theme" (to quote a drunken critic) I present the succeeding column for your non-woman-focused amusement...
I have a friend who is gay. Actually, that is a small fib. I have quite a few friends who are gay. But the point, regardless of the exact number of people who have told me this, is that I hear that being homosexual at Dartmouth is not always easy. And finding a mate of your same sexual preference who is also your type can be like searching for an expensive contact lens in the mung on a fraternity basement floor. Or to take a more worldly example, like looking for a hole in Hillary Clinton's Grand Jury testimony... No wait, that doesn't fit. Let's just say finding a homosexual mate is as difficult as finding a Dartmouth student who does not own anything plaid.
I know a few of you just sat up straight and exclaimed loudly, "But that's what it's like to be heterosexual at Dartmouth!" And I agree, but I think the difference is that we straight folks have more people to not choose from, and more conducive situations to not choose them in.
Take, for example, the most recent dating game fiasco at Dartmouth -- the ill-fated "Singled Out," based on the MTV show of the same name, that took place in Collis Common Ground recently. The event, sponsored by the class of '97, took place after the organizers made some concessions to protesters -- homosexual students and students of color who felt they were excluded from playing because of the inherent characteristics of the game, which allowed for them to be easily eliminated from the dating pool.
Even after the game was adjusted to allow for homosexual and bisexual participants, it still did not supply these students with the same service (of arguable value) that it did for heterosexual students.
So until someone sponsors a dating game event more inclusive of the homosexual community at Dartmouth, or someone opens a gay bar in Hanover (which is probably just slightly more likely to happen than Pat Buchanan becoming President), that population will have to continue its search for other social options. Which leads me back to my friend:
He is a '96 who is going through corporate recruiting. He has not landed a job yet, but I have faith that he will soon. He is cute. He is funny. He is taller than I am, with short reddish-brown hair. I think he has a sweet dimpled look when he smiles.
When I asked, this is what he said he is looking for in a boyfriend: "I want tall. Not too tall, but nobody under 5'8". I love dark features -- the Italian look scores highly with me, but I've been known to fall for the blond/blue type too.
"Let's see, moving away from looks, I want someone who likes to have fun, but who also wouldn't mind spending an evening lounging -- watching a good movie. Or having some good conversation over coffee. Or maybe a midnight stroll around Occom Pond. Someone who isn't afraid to show their feelings (better leave that one out. It sounds too cheesy. But hey, that's what I want.) Is this too much to ask? Somehow I think it is."
So I guess that translates to "SWM looking for another SM to spend time with. Height a must. Fun-loving, serious, sexy, sincere."
My friend asked me not to use his name in this column. But guys, if you are interested blitz me and I will forward your messages to him. Hey, after all, I am Jewish. Maybe I was meant to be a Matchmaker. My great-grandmothers would be proud... That is, if they did not die of shock first.
