It is 5:45 a.m. and you are on the stage with R.E.M. Could it be? Not really. It's your alarm clock blaring in your ear reminding you of the clueless day ahead of you. You are a 'shmen, and today is the first day of the rest of your life.
6:05 a.m. -- Trekking down to the river isn't the most pleasant way to start off your day, yet crew practice calls. The chilly morning air rushing past you as you ride your bike down to the river. With each rounded corner, you wish harder and harder that you were still in bed.7:15 a.m. -- Practice is over. The pleasantries of home are clearly forgotten as you stealthily make your way down the hall to the lovely communal bathroom to shower. You had to be placed in the room farthest from the bathroom just so the hottie who lives down the hall would have time to see you dripping and gross attempting to make it back to your room unnoticed -- nice try.7:45 a.m. -- While you were on your campus tour praying for the guide to trip as he was walking backwards, your parents were busy asking questions about Professor Rassias's drill tactics for language development. Yet the idea of having someone snap in your face this early in the morning isn't that appealing. In fact, it's quasi-revolting, making the 45 minutes of verbal torture unbearable.9:00 a.m. -- Math 3.You thought derivatives were a thing of the past, yet they haunt you even in the false mature world known as "college." You attempt to concentrate, but your attention is drawn to the anal retentive pre-meds in the front row anxiously clicking their multi-colored dork pens that you have only seen before in your grandfather's shirt pocket.10:00 a.m. -- Of course your class schedule is such that you have to rage off to Cook Auditorium down by the river all the way from Dartmouth Hall. As you are fumbling with your key chain to find your Kryptonite key for your bike lock, a dog from Theta Delt decides to relieve himself on your back wheel. The dog effect is great for the admissions pamphlet, but your mind begins to change after Fido barks and chases you all the way to the river.10:05 a.m. -- And thus another class begins. The next thing you know, it's over. Wait. Don't panic. Breathe deeply. You just might be learning something ... Oh, so that's what you're here for.11:15 a.m. -- Yet again, you decide to brave Food Court to add to your "Thayer Layer." Let's see, will it be chicken fingers or steak and cheese? Here's a helpful hint: memorize the days when they have Rice Krispies Treats. There's nothing like 'em.12:00 p.m. -- You realize at registrations you forgot to buy a subscription to The Dartmouth. You anxiously rush off to Robinson Hall to fill out a subscription card so your cluelessness is not extended longer than it has to be. Come on, you want to be cool, don't you?12:15 p.m. -- It's back to your room to check your BlitzMail before your class at 12:30. Your random hook-up from last weekend blitzed to see if you want to go see a movie tonight at the Hop. You choose to let that one slide. They WILL find you though, beware.12:30 p.m. -- Freshman English, another lovely requirement. The books are great, the prof is amazing and the room could not be hotter. You find out you have a five- to seven-pager due on Monday, which shoots your plans to ruckus up to Montreal to hit the clubs. You decide to stay in Hanover and suck up the AD basement for a few more nights instead.1:35 p.m. -- Freedom at last. No more classes until Monday. You decide to head down to the river taking advantage of the warmth Hanover has left before the chilling, icy winter. Like an idiot, you dive in, only to lose all circulation in your body. In addition, some Hanover High hoodlums stole your clothes while you were in the water, so you are forced to brave Main Street, freezing cold, while the townies watch and laugh.3:00 p.m. -- Ahhhhhhh, BlitzMail time again. You didn't think you'd be able to make it THREE WHOLE HOURS without checking, did you? Your UGA blitzed to tell you the cluster will be having s'mores and "Seinfeld" at 9 p.m. Free food, you can't beat it.5:00 p.m. -- You wake up only to find that you fell asleep at your computer and alphabet runs are attractively decorating your face. In busts your roommate with a case of Natty Light to begin the weekend festivities a little early.7:00 p.m. -- After a few hours of hard-core bonding, you and your roommate take a walk down to Panda House because you have the munchies. Ask them if you can take a walk around their kitchen.9:00 p.m. -- Of course, you didn't forget the free food. You walk into the basement, stash as much as you can in the pockets of your windbreaker and dash for the door. Just then, your UGA snakes you by the collar and shoves you down front center in front of the TV.There's no escape -- it's a half an hour of pure pleasure.11:30 p.m. -- Like the rebel you are, you decide you are going to hit Beta even though last weekend a brother threw you out the door after you spilled a beer on one of the dogs. You promise yourself that you won't be stupid enough to go in the right way, so you squeeze through the window, climb over a couch, only to trip and end up face down on the beer-stained dance floor. While you are attempting to pick your face up from the floor, a brother in a loud, obnoxious "Beta Theta Pi" baseball shirt does the electric slide over your face. Fun stuff.1:30 a.m. -- As you are passing Mass Row, you feel the lights of a green Campus Po' van behind you. Being the responsible Dartmouth student that you are, you are sober, and therefore have nothing to hide. They stop you anyway, ask you if you have been drinking, and proceed to throw you in the back of their luxurious motor vehicle and take you home to put you in the custody of your neighbor -- the only Dartmouth student home at 1:30 on a Friday night. They hand your neighbor a copy of, "How to Take Care of an Intoxicated Individual." Did you ever dream you would be having this much fun??
