My second year at Dartmouth was extremely difficult for me emotionally. It was during that time that I began to critically examine myself and came to the frightening realization that I am gay. It was a period of deep inner turmoil. My entire world was being suddenly and dramatically turned upside down. To make things worse, I was facing this identity crisis ... alone.
In relating my "coming out" struggle, I am telling my personal experience. I am not speaking on behalf of anyone else in DaGLO. I only hope to help others dealing with similar issues and situations in their time here at Dartmouth.
The closet can be a very lonely and debilitating place to be. I found that out firsthand. Over the years, I kept my closet door locked tight with endless excuses: my parents might reject me; my friends and neighbors might stop speaking to me, etc ...
I had always known deep inside my soul who and what I was. At the very least, I knew I was different because I never really did "connect" with other women on the level it seemed my friends had growing up, although the admission of this essential part of me threatened to tear me up inside.
I can't tell you how many times I felt an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and despair regarding my "predicament." So much that on many an occasion, thoughts of suicide dangled tantalizingly in my mind. Sadly, I would later find out many other gays experience these emotions. Endless questions that never really had the 'right' answers ... how could this be happening to me? Am I sick? Is this simply a phase I'm going through? And where do I go from here? And finally ... Why? Why? Why me????
Lord knows what I would have done if I hadn't met Dave in the fall of my sophomore year. Most likely I'd still be living the lie. Dave showed me things about myself that I never believed were possible. I'm grateful to him for giving me the opportunity to be myself, irrespective of what society dictates I should be.
Although things didn't work out between us as a result of differing expectations from the relationship, I certainly learned a lot about what it's like to love another man. Dave helped me in my struggle to understand my own needs, wants and desires in life.
For all these reasons, I'm proud and thankful for the beautiful times we shared with one another. Collectively, this experience with Dave gave me the foundation for all of my subsequent relationships with other men.
The whole experience changed me in many ways. I'm now more open with my emotions and feelings about being gay. This relationship helped give me the strength and courage to slowly begin informing close friends and family members about by homosexuality, beginning in December of 1992, when I first told one of my closest friends.
I'm not going to say that it was easy. It certainly was not. I will say that after I did it for the first time, it made other "conversations" all the more easier. To my surprise, everyone of importance in my life has been extremely supportive and understanding.
Nevertheless, I am (even today) somewhat uneasy about who knows at times. My sensitivities are acutely aware of the limitations placed upon gays by an intolerant society that still views people like me as sexual deviants, who only perform perverse acts with one another.
The omnipresent fear of the unknown, a vestige of every gay person's internalized homophobia, will probably be with me for the rest of my life. Although things are changing ... I believe I am more able to deal with its destructive consequences today than I have ever been in my lifetime.
Overall, I'm happy and relieved that I am living my life honestly and openly. For too long, I was ruled by a paralyzing inadequacy and self-degredation, but I refuse to pay heed to society's doctrinaire "rules" any longer. I'm ready and willing to live my life as I want to and if that means that I'm going to be shunned by the majority of society, so be it. My life experience and happiness are too important to be needlessly hampered and curtailed by homophobia.
The struggle, of course, will continue, but at least now I have the proper tools to effectively disarm homophobia -- a clear and focused mind that I will use to combat all those who refuse to give me proper dignity and respect. Thus, I will continue to fight for the non-negotiable rights I deserve as a human being in my lifetime.
