Send in the clowns! I am not going to assume you know their key players. I am not going to assume you know their issues. I am also not going to assume you know what exactly the Student Assembly does. Because I don't think anybody knows any of those things, really. Not even the SA itself.
The fact is that the Assembly is a confusing institution. One second its members are discussing what should be going on politically in Seattle, the next second they are issuing cards to get discounts at local stores and the next they are trying to throw out their president, who is only president because the president-elect was caught stealing photocopies of all things.
You'd think the White House would have more scandal and deceit than the Dartmouth College Student Assembly due to its size and magnitude, but you'd be wrong.
Let's look at what's happened in the last two years. As an idealistic freshindividual, former Assembly president Andrew Beebe '93 greeted me at commencement with a speech about the need for reform in fraternities when I wasn't even allowed into them yet. Whatever happened to "Remember - make your mark on Dartmouth and don't forget what your parents have instilled in you...?"
In the following election, Stewart Shirasu '94, who was on campus last spring only to campaign, won. In a celebration of victory, he got drunk and vomited all over the bathroom in the alcohol-free dorm. The D was there with photos.
Meanwhile, his adversary, Nicole Artzer '94, was busy leveling charges of sexual harassment because of a lewd yet comical BlitzMail message sent on a pirated account which stated roughly that Nicole's boyfriend just might vote for her, and that sex might have something to do with it. It made sense to me, but I guess some people didn't think it was funny.
Finally, as hinted, Shirasu resigned when it was revealed that he had in fact used the bypass key to finagle free copies at Gnomon Copy. Thievery. I always thought it was mandatory for politicians, but once again others did not agree.
What became of the former officers? Well, the president went on to a timely graduation, and the vice president went on to write an article about cunnilingus in Spare Rib. No doubt the experience he gained in office gave him unique insight and special qualifications. Sure.
Although I away during Winter term, this year I see the madness has not stopped. Vote Yes! We did, and now I get to stay in my fraternity. But still, be careful of any movement that has less than three words and ends in any sort of punctuation.
Lastly, I was made aware of a plot to impeach Nicole Artzer this winter. Why? Was she embezzling? Molesting little girls? Taping Matt Berry's conversations unbeknownst to him? No - she didn't like the Assembly's plans to protest Dartmouth Dining Services. Perhaps this attempted impeachment was merely an excuse for a deeper dislike between her and others in the Assembly? Who knows? I can just imagine how it would look in the history books: "Artzer impeached over ideological differences about Full Fare."
I know the Assembly has an important purpose, but the members must realize its scope and domain: regulating the money and funding given to various student activities at Dartmouth and representing the students with respect to the issues that affect them. It is not a think-tank for anything nor an institution that will have a sizable effect on the fate of anything outside of this.
It is a pragmatic institution first and foremost, but instead of operating with the efficiency that should come of a group of dedicated, intelligent young men and women, it operates with the deftness of one small boy with polio. At best they have behaved like a bunch of clowns.
I'm hoping that with the new elections we can get a group of reasonable people who keep in mind just what the purpose of the Assembly is and who can actually get things done instead of trying to break the election rules and impeach one another. But one can only hope, and politics has always been crooked.
