In light of the opening of Collis it is evident that Dartmouth continues to discriminate against certain groups. One can readily see that the Lone Pine Tavern's "three beer limit" is a discriminatory policy against big people. Discrimination at Collis is a concern if the center strives to be a comfortable place where all are treated fairly.
Clearly, the Tavern has a three beer limit in order to help control its potentially rowdy clientele. However, this policy is inherently flawed. It is well known to all that everyone does not process alcohol at the same rate. Drunk driving information pamphlets and medical charts state the different rates at which alcohol is processed by various sized bodies. An experienced bartender would never serve a 100 pound person three beers in one hour. They clearly would not be able to legally drive. I and other concerned citizens have developed "a modest proposal" to end this discrimination against big people, who obviously have the ability to process more alcohol per hour than smaller people.
First of all, in order to be fair to everyone, the Lone Pine should allow all patrons to drink three alcoholic beverages if they choose. However, in order to combat discrimination, a gigantic scale with a huge monitor should be placed at the entrance of this new student hangout. The scale would not be mandatory, but would be an exciting option to all. All weights would be assigned "drink levels" which would be scientifically determined by alcoholic processing data. For example, College President James Freedman, Dean of the College Lee Pelton and C. Everett Koop might produce readings of eight or nine beers, while lighter and smaller people such as Labor Secretary Robert Reich '68 when returning to Dartmouth, might still only be allowed three beers.
Obviously, this scale would produce some new conversation both in and out of the Tavern. I envision conversations in the weight room: "I've got to lose some weight, I weighed in at a five last night!" Or in various eating establishments: "I'm eating four or five meals a day. I only need a few more pounds to get up to a six!" Patrons will become excited when new people walk in, wondering, "Will they take the challenge? Will they dare to take it to a higher level?" There may even be cheers and boos from the anticipating crowd after the readings are flashed on gigantic monitors which would be visible to all. There would never be a dull moment at the Lone Pine Tavern.
Obviously, there could be problems. The Lone Pine's management might have to install a metal detector, in order to combat hedonists carrying lead pipes in their jackets in order to boost their ratings. Police-like friskings may also be a necessary instrument of justice. Undercover state agents might have to pose as students in order to curb betting amongst patrons - "Bet you a beer that he weighs in at a 10?" Despite the possibilities for corruption, this new scale would spice up the Lone Pine Tavern's atmosphere and conversation as well as ending this atrocious discriminatory policy against big people. Laugh now, but in a few more years, students could be saying, "Looks like Joe has moved up to a seven after his LSA trip to Germany."
See you at the Lone Pine.
