Winter '94 is quickly passing us by - the ice is melting and finals are approaching. This certainly has been a very eventful term and I'd like to make a few predictions about forthcoming events in the closing weeks of the quarter. The following soothsayings are by no means based in fact - but you might consider them highly probable.
1) Because the Dartmouth community did not completely accept the recommendations of the Committee on Diversity and Community at Dartmouth, several committee members will dream up an idea which will make its suggestions more palatable. The CDCD will release the CDCD CD which will feature renditions by Andrew Beebe '93 and other commitee members of tunes by favorites such as Frank Sinatra and Snoop Doggy Dog.
2) The controversial idea of a "women's issues dormitory" will spawn other such suggestions, the most noteworthy of which will sound from a group of chemistry majors who claim a chem dorm will facilitate isotope discussion groups and molecular bonding awareness.
3) The Committee on Ethical Reporting in Journalism at Dartmouth will be formed to investigate the newly created mini-mag Inner Bitch. The CERJD will discover that Inner Bitch was not created by a feminist group or even by women. It will be revealed that Matthew Berry '94 engineered the publication in a vulgar display of his alter-ego. On weekends and vacations, Berry calls himself "Blade" and is an active member of NOW, the ACLU and ACT- UP. The psychology department will subsequently conduct a case study.
4) The dates for President Freedman's sabbatical will be changed from the beginning of next year to the remainder of this year. The reasons for this will be widely questioned until The Dartmouth reports in mid-March that Freedman has been signed by the Dallas Mavericks as a power forward. The Mavericks' front office will report in a press release that they signed Freedman for his quick hands and rebounding ability.
5) After a successful stint on Jeopardy, Government Professor Thomas Nichols will be approached by Merv Griffin to take over Vanna White's job on Wheel of Fortune, Griffin's other blockbuster game show. Nichols will decline the offer in order to become Conan O'Brien's replacement on NBC.
6) The Admissions office will report a "miscount" of matriculating freshmen and Hanover will be flooded with 3,000 members of the Class of 1998 next fall. As a direct result, only 12 upperclassmen will get college housing for the 1994 - 1995 academic year.
7) After noting the success of the Dartmouth Gay, Lesbian and Bi-sexual Organization's jeans day, a group of feminists will plaster the campus in posters proclaiming that on a certain day in March, all who support their cause should wear a jacket. Members of right-wing groups will check into Dick's House with cases of frostbite.
8) The Student Assembly, after the Dining Services boycott embarrassment, will come forth with a new idea. Due to few urinals and constantly clogged sanitary systems, the Assembly will call for a three-day boycott of all Dartmouth bathrooms. However, in response to the ensuing "stink," the Assembly will reduce the boycott to one day.
9) Tonya Harding will win the gold in Lillehammer and become the official spokesperson for the National Rifle Association.
These are my predictions for Winter '94, take them as you may. Try not to get caught in the shuffle, or worse yet, in Collis Cafe.
