Well, the decision has been made: I am an official Frat Boy.
I was almost deterred by those well-thought out posters that were hanging around campus, as there message was very clearly reasoned: "Rush -- and become another f**king Dartmouth frat boy." Wow -- with persuasive arguments like that, I was almost tempted to join the poster-hangers!
I'm sure you're all wondering what secret ceremonies go on inside the hallowed halls of frat row. As a pledge in the know I am here to disseminate them for you.
First, we pledges learn how to rape people. Frats rape, and we have an image to keep. How to forcibly hold a woman down and molest her was my first lesson.
I found this difficult, because I have many good women friends and I handily find myself attracted to the female sex, so to commit an act of violence against a women per se was hard for me. However, as in military training, I dehumanized the enemy, and now I am fine with that.
Second, we learned to hate women in general. This is done via masculine chants and ridicule. I also found this difficult, but I took an oath of loyalty.
Among other things, I learned how to abuse alcohol. I practiced rolling around in my own vomit, drunk beyond comprehension and begging for one last cup of beer.
Last, I learned how to be exclusive. I told my non-frat buddies to go to hell and get a life. I am on the way to being a Frat Boy now, and will be busy molesting women and drinking and hurting everyone's feelings, so I'd have no time for silly things like friendship.
Of course this is all complete nonsense. Fraternities are less to blame for the problems on campus than some would like to think.
Speaking from personal experience, I am no different than before I sunk my bid, just busier. I am not rich and only half-white.
I apologize to those of you who believe in the stereotyped frat-guy who is drunk constantly and hates women. I don't have enough time to drink that much and hating women might upset my girlfriend, who assumes I like her a lot.
Even though I am just one person in the system, I do not think that I am an exception.
Like I said, although there are problems at Dartmouth, they cannot be blamed exclusively on the Greek system. Being from New York City, I see the same problems that we have here: young people vomiting drunk in the streets. Oftentimes these are unaffiliated NYU students, usually they are college grads.
There are the same crowded beer-smelling basements in New York as here, they're just called "Smyley's Pub." There are also the same sexual assaults and date-rapes and crimes of drunkenness as we have here. The only difference is that in New York, nobody blames the bartender.
An even zanier picture is this one: my liberal environmental cronies who openly mocked my desire to be a Frat Boy in the fall went to a bar that served minors three nights a week and drank themselves under the table with Beast, hobbling home at 4 a.m.
At least Frat Boys chant before they chug, not pretending to have a double standard.
You see, frats don't force beer down anyone's throat; they just serve it. Everywhere, and at every college (except perhaps the military academies), there is alcohol, and the related crimes.
It just happens to be that at Dartmouth, the beer flows from one tap: Webster Avenue. By the College's composition, this is the social center, and getting rid of the Greek system will only serve to put alcohol back in dorm rooms and elsewhere.
There will always be a place for the single-sex house, as there has been from the times of ancient Greece. I value having a place where I can socialize with other men free from the strains and differences introduced when women are present. But I also have my valued female friendships which I will never give up.
I also like to contribute to the social system that I reap the benefits of, and in general to be part on an institution that fosters close bonds between men that will be apart in a mere three years, at the same time providing a house for their leisure and living.
But do not blame frats if a patron acts like a criminal or a drunkard. That happens everywhere. The focus should be on individual morals. Individuals should know their limits. They should know to keep their hands to himself.
We must remember that frats and the College in general is composed of individuals, all of whom have preferences. If they prefer literature, then the frats will return to the literary societies they used to be. For now, the preference seems to be beer and loud music.
