Just imagine it. You're 14-years-old and your parents decide to send you to a camp at Dartmouth. Oh, how excited you must be--away from the stresses of home, free to do as you please. So you spend a week doing whatever it is you do, and Friday night rolls around. What is there to do? You're too cool to hang out with a bunch of junior high kids, so there is only one thing to do -- gather a few brave (stupid) friends and go to fraternity parties.
Okay. Here we go. We're approaching a house. This will be easy. They won't care that we won't be able to legally drink until the turn of the century. Be calm.
"Do you have a Dartmouth ID?"
"Uh, no. I, er, left it in my room." Good. Very smooth.
"Do you have a driver's license?"
"Sure. Let me find it. Hey, what's that over there?"
As soon as they turn to look, we dash by. There, that was easy. We're in. We're so cool. I can't wait to tell all my friends at home that I was in a fraternity past my bedtime. Now what do we do? Hmm. Ah, there are some people dancing. Let's try that. The music is all around. It consumes us. We're dancing machines. The women really dig us. Look at the way they're smiling at us. Hey, wait a minute, they're laughing. Something funny must have happened. We look around. What's so funny? Must be that college humor. Dancing is getting boring. Let's try the basement.
Here we are. We're in the basement. I wish we were taller so we could see. Maybe we'll grow soon. I hear ping pong. Hey, all right! I love ping pong. They're playing doubles. We can do that - after all, we play tennis. What's with the cups on the table? We'll figure it out. Let's go for it.
"Can we play?"
"(pause. laughter) Sure."
"You know, I play tennis, so I'll be good at this game."
Okay. We're playing. We're doing okay. We're losing. We're drinking. Oh wow! We're drinking beer and we're only 14! We're so cool!
I'm not feeling so well now. Uh oh, better find a bathroom. Here's one. Easy does it. I'm staring at the altar to the porcelain god. There's a sticker there. "Womyn are everywhere." What's that doing in a fraternity bathroom? It made sense on the walls and the cars and the volleyball net, but here? Okay. I'm feeling a little better now.
What time is it? Oh wow - it's almost two in the morning. I'm tired. Let's get out of here. We gather up our posse and head out into the Hanover night.
When we arrive back in our room, we reflect upon our evening.
"They had no idea we didn't go here."
"That was easy."
"We're so cool."
All that excitement. Wait until everyone hears about it. You'll be the most popular person you know. Just imagine it.
