The Cover Letter
By Katie Tai, The Dartmouth Staff
Published on Friday, July 27, 2012
Everyone knows that you only get one chance to make a first impression. From your GPA to your grammar to your suit — if you even get to meet your potential employer — everything you say and do and wear will be scrutinized. Make it count. The Mirror found a set of documents in Career Services’ database that stood out. Follow this ’14’s lead at your own risk.
Edward von Banquier Morgan Stanley 1221 6th Avenue New York, N.Y. 10020
Dear Mr. Banquier,
After bombarding you with equally specific and inane questions at your most recent information session with the desperate hope of garnering enough facetime to stand out in a crowd of cornflower-blue shirts, I have decided I’m very excited to work for your company. The values of your company — innovation, profitability, sustainability — are pleasingly vague enough so that I don’t have to modify this letter too much for the dozen of other firms I intend to apply to. I hope you’ll accept this letter as my application for a position with your company, since I hope to live on Park Avenue one day, sign all my letters with Mont Blanc pens and have lots of trust-fund babies.
To be honest, I would rather work at Goldman Sachs, but I’m nearly certain that my GPA is too low to garner even a second glance at my resume. Since you’re a tiny bit less prestigious and A-side, I figured I might have a chance here. I assure you that I take your company very seriously! I didn’t go swimming in the river today, and I even postponed running back a game of pong tonight (this, I can I assure you, never happens — I am a dedicated individual) to meet the midnight deadline for applications. I’m taking two classes to ensure I have enough time to primp in front of the mirror and check my teeth before I walk in for an interview, during which I will inevitably forget how to do long division, speak without spitting and of course smile and look like I want to be there.
In addition, I am certain that my credentials and experience will meet your expectations. I am a detail-oriented individual, and I scarcely ever errrrr maek typos because I am a perffectionist. What’s more, I have practical experience working in a bank as the personal assistant to the CFO of Citigroup — a regular at my father’s Saturday golf games. I made a stellar impression during my stint there. I played a game of tennis with the CEO and was complimented quite profusely on my drive. I also play a mean game of golf and am an ideal caddy.
To conclude, I don’t know much about your company and what little I do know consists of rumors and Googled research I conducted last night. I don’t particularly care for stocks or brands, but I’m too scared to be creative and carve out a new niche or trailblaze. I’ve decided I like nice things, so I’m going to follow this path. All of my friends are doing the same thing, anyway. Have I said that I can play golf?
Sincerely, Pendleton Clayton Baxley XII