Green Key Schedule
By Mackenzie Bohannon, The Dartmouth Staff
Published on Friday, May 18, 2012
Wednesday: 11:45 a.m.: Pregame 12s with the besties, four shot minimum. 12:30 p.m.: Arrive at your 12, turn in your paper, proceed to online shop for the next hour. 1:30 p.m.: Set alarm on your iPhone. Five. Minutes. Left. 1:35 p.m.: The marimba sounds while your prof is mid-sentence — ignore it and sprint out of class, screaming “YOU CAN’T CATCH ME NOW, BITCHES! I AM THE SPEED!” 1:36 p.m.: Bask in the glory of the sunshine. 1:37 p.m.: Realize you are bored with sunshine and disappear into Heorot’s basement for three rounds of harbor. 4:30 p.m.: Announce to the entire basement that harbor is “sooo much better than pong!” 4:31 p.m.: Lose third straight game, get kindly escorted back home by your partner. 4:44 p.m.: Escape sight of well-meaning partner, ask kindly to borrow Heorot’s kiddie pool for “hazing purposes.” 4:45 p.m.: Upon being denied kiddie pool, shout, “YOU WOULD GIVE IT TO ME IF I WERE A HOT SKANKY CHEERLEADER!” 4:46 p.m.: Abscond with kiddie pool while nobody is looking. 5:00 p.m.: Bring pool back to the apartment for safekeeping, pass out inside. 10 p.m.: MEETINGZ 10:01 p.m.: Literally who are you old people and why are you attempting to beat me at my game. 10:02 p.m.: OH EM GEE I LOVE ALL OF YOU NEW BEST FRANDZ! 10:03 p.m.: Mup mup(load) city, bitch. 11 p.m.: Explore the Greek scene with the new besties. 11:30 p.m.: Enough exploring, back to [insert favorite fraternity here].
Thursday: 9 a.m.: The alarm is going off. 9:01 a.m.: Why is the alarm going off. 9:02 a.m.: Curse iPhone batteries and their horrible habit of dying before memorable snapshots but managing to stay alive to wake you for your 10A. 10 a.m.: TOO HUNGOVER FOR THIS PROF. 11:05 a.m.: Take “bathroom break,” pass out on lawn outside Silsby. 3 p.m.: Wake up on lawn, get four cinnamon buns at KAF, eat all of them in a corner while doing your best Gollum impersonation. 4 p.m.: Realize you have nothing to wear for Cutter. 4:30 p.m.: Invade Drawing 1 class, demand to be covered in charcoal, offer to nude model in exchange. 5:30 p.m.: Black out somewhere on Webster Avenue. I’mma let you finish, but you have vague memories of JYK’s living room.
Friday: 1:00 p.m.: Wake up in the kiddie pool, in the river, somewhere in Vermont, decked out in America gear, next to someone unrecognizable, with Keystone as far as the arm can reach. 1:02 p.m.: You look at your finger. 1:03 p.m.: Stop. 1:04 p.m.: STOP. 1:05 p.m.: Spoiler alert: You got married. To your bestie. 1:06 p.m.: It’s OK, you muploaded everything. 1:10 p.m.: Chalk it up to practice for the big day. 1:20 p.m.: Fashion paddle out of the Keystone cans. 1:55 p.m.: Declare to all your friends that you’re “never drinking again.” 2:00 p.m.: Spike your Dirt Cowboy iced coffee, hit up Block Party. 4:30 p.m.: Fill up your SmartWater bottle with batch, take tons of pictures. 4:35 p.m.: Trade out SmartWater bottle for milk carton, don’t ask questions. 5:00 p.m.: It is way too early in the night for this…
Saturday: 1 p.m.: Black in at some house on West Wheelock Street with a hospital wristband. 1:03 p.m.: “Name: Stephen Colbert.” 1:05 p.m.: Your big walks in with a huge bottle of Gatorade, coconut water and vodka. 2:00 p.m.: Stop by Lawn Party, cause a scene. 3 p.m.: You and one of your bigs/littles/hookup/wife/husband/miniature giraffe eat an entire pig while your friends stand guard. 3:30 p.m.: Bond with nostalgic alum over pig shreads and Keystone.