The Gospel of Green Key 2012: Do’s and don’ts
By Leslie Ye, The Dartmouth Staff
Published on Friday, May 18, 2012
If you’re doing it right, half of Green Key is already over by the time this article made it to print. If you’re doing it wrong, don’t worry. Half of Green Key still lies before you. Quick — get out of class and mass-text everybody you know to see what they’re doing. This is the best weekend of the year, so to help you out here’s a guide to doing it right.
Do take pictures. Document this. Yeah, everyone hates the girl who makes her friend pose during a pong game so she can take a sick mupload, but this weekend I say, haters gonna hate. You’re going to want to remember how cool and ragey you were when you’re old, gray and boring, so tell everyone else to suck it and smile for the camera!
Do not go to class. I mean if you have a 10 or 11 that’s fine, but if you have weird x-hours or a 12 and a 2, you need to skip out. I fully support Dartmouth giving us a Green Key holiday on Friday. We get one for Winter Carnival, and what’s the point? Everybody is too cold and miserable to enjoy their day off anyway. If you’re ever going to skip a class, this is the one time to do it.
Do stay thirsty. That’s a given. This weekend is all about imbibing with your friends and keeping hydrated. Hold on to those water bottles, kids, you’ll need them!
Don’t get Good Sammed. Nobody likes to get put on probation because some kid couldn’t keep it together, nobody likes to get puked on and nobody likes to get so Green Key-ed out by Thursday that they miss out on the rest of the weekend. Plus, who wants to pay hundreds of dollars for Diversions? Not this girl.
Do spend your time outside. The Green Key weather report is looking fine — 75 degrees today, 80 tomorrow and 87 on Sunday. Go play outdoor pong! Go jump in the river! Go tan on the Green! If you need to study, do it on Collis Porch (or in Heorot’s kiddie pool! Too soon?)! Green Key is one of the happiest weekends of the year, so take advantage of literally everything you can. Go to Block Party and Lawn Party, go to Gammapalooza and make time to sit on the porch of your favorite frat or off-campus house. You can hang out in a grim, dingy basement every other day of the year.
Don’t spend time in the library. This is Green Key. This is not midterms week. Even if it is midterms week, I hope you spent time doing extra work on Monday and Tuesday so it wouldn’t come to this — you looking sadly out the window as the laughter and music from the outside world filters into your sad cubicle. You only get four Green Keys as a Dartmouth student. Use them wisely.
Do the Green Key challenge. I’m not sure if this is a real thing, but an ’11 told me that he spent his sophomore Green Key weekend eating only food from the free barbecue events and general grilling that happened all weekend and didn’t need to set foot in DDS locations once.
Don’t eat salad this weekend. This is a time for grill food and stuff that will sustain you. You are going to need protein and carbs if you are going to last hours on your feet being social. That being said, try to avoid drunkenly devouring an entire large buffalo chicken pizza from EBAs — that’s really not cute.
Do stay out all night. Shit gets real weird at this school, especially between the hours of 3 and 7 a.m. Green Key is one of the weirdest times of the year — do not treat it like any other weekend. Say yes. Say yes to everything. Pound that Red Bull at 2 a.m., play singles tree with your best friend at four in the morning, say yes to champ-harbor at noon the next day and go to Lou’s or the Fort in between. If you can still order EBAs and you’re considering going home, it’s too early.
Don’t sleep the whole day. Throw on some sunglasses, run a comb through your hair, pop some Advil and head outside to fight your hangover. Sleep during Green Key is for the weak, the boring and the lazy. You can nap when you’re waiting to get on table.
Do get excited. Do say yes if you’re not sure if something will be fun or not. Do go crazy and do everything you can to make this weekend memorable. Do take pictures, even if they’re selfies — if you don’t remember this weekend you’re going to need some record of it. ’15s, you’re going to want to make your first Green Key special. ’12s, you’re going to want to make this Green Key one for the books. Get excited, kids — it’s gonna be a hot one.