Ask Miss Muffin Top
By Miss Muffin Top
Published on Friday, March 5, 2010
Finals are fast approaching, but Miss Muffin Top can only think of those blissful two weeks that will come after these next two. Visions of wall-applique palm trees dance in her head while she peruses luxury resort web sites she has neither the means nor expectations of ever visiting. But in her never-ending altruism, Miss Muffin Top has taken a break from her grueling schedule to bestow upon you these pearls of Spring Break wisdom:
DO tell your Winter slampiece that you will be spending spring break in the bowels of your small-town library in Ohio. In reality, you will be lounging on the beach, drinking foot-long cocktails, telling some guy named Sven that you go to Michigan State.
DON’T overtan. Should you find yourself in close proximity to the equator over spring break, don’t over-do it. In seventh grade Miss Muffin Top decided to free-base vitamin D on her family vacation and ended up in an island hospital, dehydrated. Be realistic about your tanning — you will not transform from Moby Dick to Gisele in one week. Build a base or perish, while absent-mindedly peeling your face in your 12 come Spring.
DON’T despair if the only cocktail umbrella in your future is in a pina colada at Chile’s. They come in 17 shades of Caribbean blue — gotta catch em all! Also, don’t be tempted to take your daquiri with a side of Instabronze from the Hollywood Tanning Salon next door. Being tan is overrated.
DO read books. Like, for fun. Spring break is the perfect time to recapture the intellectual curiosity you once possessed, which your paper on Heideggerian Hope in The Catcher in the Rye has inevitably extinguished. Or, alternatively, pick up the newest teen-lit sensation and shamelessly treat yourself.
DON’T start watching a show on Hulu/Netflix that has 10 seasons. You will never leave the house and all of the hours of your spring break will be wasted as you stay up all night, biting your nails to see if Jake will go against the spoiler-alerts and pick Tenley. (Way to ruin Monday night.) You will not return to campus well-rested and ready to face humanity, but crack-eyed and unable to form full sentences.
DON’T check your e-mail with the same frequency you do at school. The lone D2U update in your inbox will only make you depressed. Enjoy the time at home while you can. Especially you,’10s, in a few months, you’ll be on your own, looking for an apartment in Hoboken, reading The D online.
DON’T be bummed if your only spring break option is mooching off your grandparents in Florida. Geriatric communities have lots of liquor, empty beaches and golf cart donuts to be spun over the green on Hole 7.
DO visit friends at other colleges. The novelty of a new university is a cheap, guaranteed good time. Given the bizarre timetable of the D-plan, you can breeze in and out as you please, and have free reign to go crazy because no one will ever see you again. Play the name game (OMG we were high school rivals!), jump on that mechanical bull and pwn n00bs.
DO learn some new cultural references from your younger siblings, lest you continue to text with your thumbs and think that pwning n00bs is still relevant, appropriate behavior. For bonus points, jack their middle school iTunes playlist and get a sneak-peak of the basement mixxx 10S.
See you in the Spring!
Miss Muffin Top