We’ve all heard of them — the miscreants, the prosecuted, the kids who fade into the background under a cloud of secrecy and shame: the Parkhursted. Few people know what “Parkhursting” actually entails beyond a revocation of BlitzMail and a push out of the Dartmouth bubble. Like car accidents and death, people usually think, “That won’t happen to me.” At least that is what Daniel Obaseki ‘07 thought up until his entrance into the world of suspension. “I used to think there was a certain type of kid that got Parkhursted,” Obaseki said. “The individuals who bought papers, or cheated on tests. I never realized there’s an entire subculture of kids getting shafted by the system.”
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When a friend of mine got into legal trouble in Hanover this fall, she began the arduous task of finding good legal representation. After making a series of unsuccessful phone calls, she was referred to George Ostler ‘77 of DesMeules, Olmstead & Ostler, by a friend who’d been in similar trouble the fall before. Before she even finished explaining her case, Ostler had correctly guessed the name of the cop who was prosecuting. She hired him on the spot.
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From the whispered, uncertain rumors of daily conversation to the flippant jokes made loudly in bravado-filled frat basements, it is clear that being Parkhursted is not something Dartmouth students take lightly. Even those who know very little about suspension view it as frightening and very real: “Being Parkhursted is the worst possible thing that can happen to you at Dartmouth. It puts your life on hold,” Nicole LaBombard ‘09 said. And though Parkhursting is indisputably an uncomfortable subject, it seems that everyone can think of at least one acqaintance who has gone through the process.
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I began Martin Luther King, Jr. Day on a five-person team picking up a pickup truck. In other words, I became a man. The reason for moving the truck only upped the man-ante: It was in the way of a bigger truck. When I regained my senses — I’m not trying to be funny — I discovered my hand in my pants, involuntarily adjusting myself. As the bigger truck rolled in, insight struck like a sweaty thunderbolt: This is why two-handed high-fives exist.
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If you’re going to get kicked out of school, why not do it the classy way? With only a trip to Topside, Collis and a few bottles of Andre, you can come up with the recipe for a highly illegal cocktail party. I tried it out this past weekend the legal way, though, for well, legal purposes. But I’ll let you in on the little extras that can push your party into the Parkhurst zone.
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If you listened to rock radio at all this summer, chances are you heard the utterly brilliant poetry that was Wolfmother’s “Woman.” It was a song that had about eight lines, and revolved around the concept of the protagonist’s affections, directed toward, yes, a woman. “Woman” marked a brilliant progression in modern rock, putting us firmly back in the year 1972. That’s because the other hallmark of the song (and the band in general) was how much it sounded like a Classic Rock Dinosaur Band. The main riff was pure Zeppelin, with the vocals seemingly delivered by a Sabbath-era Ozzy. It even features a freakin’ organ solo! And though the song was killed by massive overplay (an all too common cause of death these days), I still enjoyed it.
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Book: “Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers” by Mary Roach
“The human head is of the same approximate size and weight as a roaster chicken,” the first sentence reads. This book is a cultural and historical survey of how people deal with, have dealt with, and possibly will deal with the ultimate taboo — death. Roach’s writing is sharply observant and morbidly charming. She employs the thoroughness of an embalmer, the tact of a funeral director and the wit of a gravedigger. I recommend this book whether or not you plan to die someday; as Socrates might have said, an unexamined death is not worth dying. - Latif Nasser
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‘10 male: Oh, I think this is this my package from Saks!
‘10 female: Oh really? What is it?
‘10 male: I think it’s my Burberry earmuffs! Oh my god, I can wear them right now!
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