Dearest Mononucleosis,
I really think we should start seeing other people. I would love to spend time with humans — my blankets are nice but they are hard to have conversations with, they don’t really respond. (Not, that I have tried …) There are some really cute ’10s out there and I have a hunch they would be better suited to your tastes: young and ready to share saliva.
I wish I could say that it was great while it lasted, but it wasn’t. It actually sucked. You took over my social life, dictating what I could and could not do. According the The Stallstreet Journal’s latest installment — in bathroom stalls everywhere — controlling your partner’s interactions is abusive.
I know this is hard since we have been together for a few months now. But I really think it is for the best. We are through, done, finito! Leave me alone. Thanks.
Kisses, Nova
