Original Sports ClichÃƒÂ©s
By Max Schwartz, The Dartmouth Staff
Published on Thursday, October 19, 2006
Maybe it's because I've been a little sick this week that I haven't noticed the giant waves of testosterone flowing over the country. In fact, maybe it's because I'm sick this week that there are giant waves of testosterone flowing across our country; as my insatiable sexual appetite and Sean Connery-like thatch of chest hair prove, I am one manly man.
Okay, and back to the column. In case you're not exactly sure what I'm talking about, which is likely, let me explain myself: There have been a number of recent fights going on in sports stadiums across our country. Everyone knows about the University of Miami vs. Florida International University brawl that resulted in an incredible 31 suspensions.
It turns out however, that scrapping isn't just for 'roid-raging criminals. It's also for Ivy League-educated criminals (witness the Dartmouth vs. Holy Cross scuffle on Saturday, coming while one of our '06 co-captains faces battery charges), as well as old fat men (Denny Green grappling with and losing handily to both mediocrity and the microphone podium at the post-Monday night debacle press conference). Even my gentle (some might say effete) friend Adam Shpeen '07 has been getting a little slap-happy. What's going on?
It might be too easy to blame the Miami-FIU fracas on steroids and a criminal mentality. Heck, I managed to do it in the first 100 words of my column. Defenders of either football team might point to the fact that it is a cross-town rivalry, with many of the players going to the same high schools, hanging out at the same malls, and robbing the same 7-Elevens. Or maybe because U-Miami had invited every high school football team in the state to see the game for free (true story!): They were trying to put on a clinic on how not to be professional.
Really though, it was hard to watch replays of the five-minute combat and not see something truly vicious going on, what with the body-slamming, helmet swinging and the somewhat more uncommon "injured players coming off the bench to hit people with their crutches" maneuver. I don't really know what to say. Maybe they were inspired by Dartmouth's own pugnacity problems, which occurred not seven hours earlier at the end of our Homecoming game.
Now, I left after halftime (after those totally awesome '10s rushed the field), so all I report to you here is hearsay. But I would hope that all my readers are happy to take it as truth. After beating the Big Green by three in overtime, the Holy Cross players started jumping around and/or dancing on the big "D" in the middle of the field or performing some other type of cutting insult.
Throwing down commenced post-haste. After 10 or so minutes, the Hanover Police managed to break up the skirmish. From what I hear, at least one of the Dartmouth walking wounded was practicing his own brand of "Crutching Tiger, Limping Dragon" kung fu on Holy Cross. Maybe that's where the Miami guys got it from.
Really, if you want to compare the two clashes, I think I should point out that the Dartmouth-HC row lasted twice as long as the Miami-FIU one. To be fair, the Miami police brought in the riot-control squad, while the Hanover police were all tuckered out from chasing those freshmen around during halftime.
Also, I doubt any of our local radio commentators openly rooted for Dartmouth to win the fight or offered, on air, to join the fight and help "kick some ass" like a Miami guy did (again, I can't make this stuff up).
But coming while one of our co-captains and a former player are set to appear for a hearing on battery charges for an incident that occurred this summer, maybe this fight shows that there really isn't that much of a difference between U-Miami and Dartmouth College. We got the academic achievement and they got the winning tradition, the nice climate and the attractive cheerleaders. I don't know about you, dear readers, but I am totally psyched about that trade.
Now, if you can excuse me, I'm off to Thayer to hit frozen sacks of General Tso's Chicken "Rocky"-style. You can't ever be too prepared, especially when you're hanging out with Shpeen's "Palms of Fury." And if you were wondering, yes, I never once repeated the same synonym for "fight" throughout this column. That's 11 different words. I am truly a god of the thesaurus.