So I have been asked to write a Goodbye Column. Tricky thing is, goodbyes aren’t particularly funny. Not unless you walk into a door or something as you’re trying to leave, but unfortunately the pen and paper leaves little room for physical awkwardness and slapstick comedy (the former I have perfected to an art; the latter, too, but unintentionally). Anyway, as I am supposed to at least attempt to be funny, I am in a bit of a bind. So I have decided to test out other forms of goodbye to see if they are any more effective at expressing the bittersweet humor in my Big Green Heart. If you don’t like them, that’s fine, just go read “Overheard,” because for once it’s actually kind of funny.
Goodbye Haiku (ode to the GGMM and time for me to get meta and punctuationally creative):
Dartmouth: an abyss;
While pouring in it my soul,
I got hungover.
Goodbye Limerick (giving myself, the old English major, a slap on the ass for grasping the basics of the limerick rhythm slightly better than that dude who writes them now):
I’m going away on a journey
Just carried away on a gurney
Without my McDreamy
The gurney’s less steamy
Don’t laugh, it’ll soon be your turn-y.
Goodbye Morning-After Blitz:
Date: 11 June 2006 10:49:53 EDT
From: Stephanie E. Herbert
To: (Recipient list suppressed)
so i had a really good time last night, but i just wanted to let you know you won’t be seeing me around campus anymore. i’m going to Nam. don’t call me, i’ll call you.
ps you left your shoes here. i’ll put them in your hb.
“Grapes of Wrath” Goodbye:
I’ll be all around in the dark of the basements. I’ll be ever’-where — wherever you can look. Wherever there’s a fight so someone can get next on table, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a cop hassling a wasted 19 year old, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way guys yell “It was only one bounce!” — I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they’ve got the munchies and know EBAs is on the way. An’ when the people are agonizing over drunk blitzes they sent and livin’ the high life on First Floor Berry — I’ll be there, too.
Goodbye Suicide Note (as opposed the “Hey there” Suicide Note or the “See you next Sunday!” Suicide Note):
Yo, I’m peacing out — off like an ’80s prom dress.
I’m pretty much blaming this sht on you. I wouldn’t have had to do this if you’d just have let me cheat on you and get ‘hursted. And I’m still pissed about you cutting me in the grill line you little bitch.
See you in hell, Brah.
Goodbye Song — others have sung it better, so I’ll just croon the following while staring at you pensively, drink in hand and plumbing the depths of your soul with my words:
Once last call for alcohol
So I’ll finish my whiskey and beer
I don’t have to go home
But I can’t stay here
I must go now. Don’t cry. It will be all right. Everything will be all right. No, don’t speak. Talking’s no good anymore. Nothing’s any good anymore. Look, it’s raining.
Hard Guy Goodbye:
Miss America Goodbye:
Thank you all so much for this incredible honor. Just being here with you has meant more than words can ever express. You’ve touched me heart and soul. I have to move on now, to make starving children happy and bring about world peace, and while what you all will be doing is small potatoes compared to my lofty plans, I’ll never judge you for being so much less perfect than I. You’ll all always be in my heart, in a special somewhere deep inside.
Goodbye Two Truths and a Lie:
I’m leaving and it’s sad.
I’m leaving and I never wanna f*cking see you again.
I’m not wearing underwear.
In conclusion, I don’t know how to say goodbye. So I’ll just say, till next time, randos.