You Ponder This Dartmouth
By Hannah Chase And Anna Tobin
Published on Friday, April 21, 2006
Dear Hannah and Anna,
My roommate's idea of a shower is to sweat through his t-shirts until they are soaked and completely dry again. He leaves sandwich crusts and panini chip crumbs everywhere, and a small animal has been festering in a pile of his laundry. The smell is getting so bad that my girlfriend refuses to come over and I occasionally black out while working at my desk. How can I get my roommate to start washing himself or his clothes?
Help!
Geeting-a-rash in New Hamp
Dear Getting-a-Rash:
Maintaining good personal hygiene should be on the top of every college student's to-do list. Your roommate may think it's "prissy" or "girly" to smell like fresh-cut lavender, but truly manly men care about self-grooming. Just google-image search some of these manly men for proof: Dawson Leary, Frodo Baggins, Dennis Rodman or our personal comedic hero, Carrot Top (see AT&T commercials). Therefore, the only solution to your truly manly dilemma is a similarly manly one. Plan a "guy's night in" during which you two can bond, share secrets, and above all ... clean. We present to you:
Manly Man "GRRRR" Night Of Cleansing and Rejuvenation:
1.The roommates that clean best together are the ones that have no secrets. To start this confession-fest, tell him who you like and ask him who he's crushing on. If you can muster up the courage to call your crush, we highly recommend three-way-calling.
2.Now that you have no secrets, it's time to get beautiful. Hop into your fav pair of pjs, pump the tunes (consider these manly classics: John Mayer, Elton John or the "Moulin Rouge" soundtrack), and get ready to give each other ... facials! Cucumber-eyes and oatmeal-skin are too girly, so we recommend: The Sloppy Joe Facial! This step will get your roommate smelling fresh as a baby's bottom.
3.Now it's time to clean! Remember Ms. Poppin's wise words: "Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down!" Cleaning is a drag (medicine), so motivate yourself with a good movie (sugar)! Pop in your well-worn "Braveheart" VHS, and make cleaning into a game! Every time someone says "Freedom!" pick up an article of clothing and put it in your laundry bag. This three-hour-long gem should give you enough time to collect, wash and dry all your laundry. Reward yourself with beef jerky and protein shakes.
Now you and your newly de-grimed roommate can enjoy a good night's sleep in your sweet-smelling, freshly made beds! Sweet dreams!
Perhaps, though, we've set your goal too high. Can anyone really aspire to be as manly as Carrot Top? You ponder this, Dartmouth.
Until next time,
Hannah and Anna, selflessly dispensing advice to the socially awkward and confused (we know because we've been there).